nothing is coming together.

god damnit

i have

lost my voice. i'm not happy.

i miss summer vacation, with my three best friends who were just as gross and sarcastic as me. i know i know i know all my 'good frends' and boyfriend hated them, along with everyone else but i was in love with them.
I need to whine about my slow days and jealous ways. I wish it didnt end that way.

my boyfriend, you baby, make me want to feel pretty. this sucks.
I am in love. i am in love

i miss my mother, my father, my shishters, and my weed. god cmon.
im ungrounded in a weeek!

I'm Still Here.

" I think there are two ways you can see the world. You either see the sadness that's behind everything or you choose to keep it all out. "

and thats how i feel this week, this month, this lifetime. i always took choice A and i am so incredibly tired of being so fricken sad all the time. But it covers my eyes and its all i can see. its all i could see for as long as i can remember.

It covers my eyes. It's all I can see.

"Accept the way god does things, for who can straighten what he has made crooked? Enjoy prosperity while you still can, but when hard times strike, realize that both come from God. Remember that nothing is certain in this life." -Ecclesiastes 7:13-14

now I know why my mom hated that so much

god im sorry, believe me already.

i'm tired of everyone around me. i hate you, and you and you.
i miss my old anti social friends. i hate swimming in hate alone, actually its more like drowning.

i keep getting jealous at the attention you get,
and i realize it shouldnt be like that. like this.
i dont know whats wrong or if i should fix it.


ps
you make me want to hang myself with all your lies.

joyful air

This week is dedicated entirely to my strength. I truly am blessed. I know I keep repeating it, but I can't stop screaming the truth. I want to tell the whole world; I want to tell the entire human race that I am the strongest person I know, you know, he knows, she knows, etc.
Enough of this constant 'dwelling' on someone who doesn't understand the difference between a 7th grade girls attitude and an 11th grade boys 'over it' attitude. Ill pray for the bitch, but no promises for the fools.
I almost lost the best thing that's ever happened to me since jesus christ the other day. Luckily he feels the same way I do and I wouldn't have it any other way. I just may have been wrong before. Maybe I really do 'love' him. He's everything I need right now to complete what's all goin good.

Dear Baby,
You truly are perfect. I'm so glad I found you. At night I go to sleep satisfied; I found exactly what everyone around me is searching for. I don't have to run around in circles like a chicken without a head anymore. I have exactly what I want. Your exactly what I want. I love you. I Love you. I love you.

I couldn't be any happier in this area.
Now lets work on the rest.

bad habits die hard

this isn't as easy as I thought.

If I had a secret admirer it would make my life so much more exciting. Well technically there is a possibility that I have one but don't know it because it is a 'secret' admirer. oh so, I really am this stupid...

I'm really starting to hate everyone. it's becoming a problem, and THEY as a whole don't even know it. I'm so good at lying it burns. I guess its just a taste of what's to come.

I'm starting to repeat the phrase 'I wish' in all of my sentences. "I wish I didn't mess that up." "I wish I didn't mess him up." "I wish my mom really knew how much I love her." "I wish he knew how I really felt." I wish I wish I wish blah blah blankety blank BlaNk BLANK. This blog fills me with sorrow, along with anyone else who takes the time to paste that url into their address bars. I read over all of the cold harmless words I've written over the past and realize that I am indeed one of the most demented humanbeings I know. And let me tell you, I know many demented human beings. Maybe I'm just seeing things again.

Dear God,
I am tired. So so tired. Why can't I get a good nap, a well nights rest, etc.? Why won't you just let me be on YOUR side? Why can't I just be let into your frat without the initiation trial? Cut me some slack. My entire life has been an initiation for yours sake. I can't stay in this place. I can't stand when this room turns around on my faith. I can't stay too long. Wait, Am I feeling 'sorry for myself' again? And I've come to the conclusion to lay the blame on 'love'. 'GODS LOVE' (haha) everytime I hear that phrase I smirk, giggle, or worse roll on the floor with laughter. I can't help but question your existance or your humor. What kind of humor do you possess, because its definately not easy practical joke puppies in the basket kind. Its waaay too dark for something 'jesus christ' could conjure up. Nobody knows.

Sincerely,
Your long lost


My bones wish to escape
And run along an alien expance
To collapse from the heat
In a cartoonish heap
To sleep oh to sleep
Won't you come to comfort me?

I can't forget the ghost
I can't forget the ghost
I can't forget the ghost
Of his smile
If you give me
Just a little smile

Sometimes days go speeding past
Sometimes this one seems like the last

P.S.
Here's to all the pretty girls your going to meet.