bad habits die hard

this isn't as easy as I thought.

If I had a secret admirer it would make my life so much more exciting. Well technically there is a possibility that I have one but don't know it because it is a 'secret' admirer. oh so, I really am this stupid...

I'm really starting to hate everyone. it's becoming a problem, and THEY as a whole don't even know it. I'm so good at lying it burns. I guess its just a taste of what's to come.

I'm starting to repeat the phrase 'I wish' in all of my sentences. "I wish I didn't mess that up." "I wish I didn't mess him up." "I wish my mom really knew how much I love her." "I wish he knew how I really felt." I wish I wish I wish blah blah blankety blank BlaNk BLANK. This blog fills me with sorrow, along with anyone else who takes the time to paste that url into their address bars. I read over all of the cold harmless words I've written over the past and realize that I am indeed one of the most demented humanbeings I know. And let me tell you, I know many demented human beings. Maybe I'm just seeing things again.

Dear God,
I am tired. So so tired. Why can't I get a good nap, a well nights rest, etc.? Why won't you just let me be on YOUR side? Why can't I just be let into your frat without the initiation trial? Cut me some slack. My entire life has been an initiation for yours sake. I can't stay in this place. I can't stand when this room turns around on my faith. I can't stay too long. Wait, Am I feeling 'sorry for myself' again? And I've come to the conclusion to lay the blame on 'love'. 'GODS LOVE' (haha) everytime I hear that phrase I smirk, giggle, or worse roll on the floor with laughter. I can't help but question your existance or your humor. What kind of humor do you possess, because its definately not easy practical joke puppies in the basket kind. Its waaay too dark for something 'jesus christ' could conjure up. Nobody knows.

Sincerely,
Your long lost


My bones wish to escape
And run along an alien expance
To collapse from the heat
In a cartoonish heap
To sleep oh to sleep
Won't you come to comfort me?

I can't forget the ghost
I can't forget the ghost
I can't forget the ghost
Of his smile
If you give me
Just a little smile

Sometimes days go speeding past
Sometimes this one seems like the last

P.S.
Here's to all the pretty girls your going to meet.