As human beings, we need to know that we are not alone, that we are not crazy or completely out of our minds, that there are other people out there who feel as we do, live as we do, love as we do, who are like us. I have not found something that makes me feel that way for longer than an hour. I have not developed faith. I have not developed hope. I am stuck. I am miserable. You cannot even begin to imagine. I have everything I need except for that satisfactory sigh of relief at the end of the day. Goodbye. I tried. See you in hell.

I got it

I hate what you did. You fucked it up for the both of us.

here it goes

This month has been hell without katy conti, and I am admitting that I blame all the hurt I've endured this past month on katy contis father for taking the best thing that has happened to me this summer away to someplace far far away without nothing but myspace.com to hold us together. Me hayley and hailey are just tryna keep sane til' saturday. I still don't think I can make it.
Me and boy talked, we said all we could say about it. It has to work. I'm frustrated, discouraged and everything else in between.

God you should speak now ...

were so trendy we can't even escape ourselves

She makes me smile, I just wish I could lead her into a direction that doesn't involve leaping directly off a cliff.
I want to hear her say that she'd rather be hated for who she is, than loved for who she isn't. I guess in a sense she does say that by even giving me the time of day. (Or half of the others) This drives me insane. I will wait.

hearing the words "I never get sick of you" over and over again. This is my problem.
I have many problems. My biggest being busy acting like I've seen it all, like I've been there first. No one likes someone who's naive and in denial at the same time. Its hard being hellen keller sometimes.

You say you can save me, but this isn't working. I'm sinking but sinking never felt so right.

shut off the light

i have never felt more alive in one summer let alone my lifetime, thank god.

I've come to an understanding

it's the people you are close to, the ones who love you, the ones who have seen your heart, who have touched your soul- to them, it is obvious that something is wrong or missing. your heart and soul are missing. they feel it. it hurts them. it kills them. SO I have come to the conclusion to smile, open my eyes, love and go on.

Even though I'm sick of hearing the downside to being a friend of mine I'm trying to hold on instead of just sticking with the three most like me. Hayley, Katy, and Hailey (oooo name drop....).


P.S.

My plans for the future:
be a superstar musician, kill myself and go out in a flame of glory, just ike Jimi Hendrix

running in circles

Sometimes I wish I could walk around with a HANDLE WITH CARE sign stuck to my forehead. Sometimes I wish that there were a way to let people know that just because I live in a world without rules, and in a life that is lawless, doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt so bad the morning after. Sometimes I think that I was forced to withdraw into depression because it was the only rightful protest I could throw in the face of a world that said it was alright for people to come and go as they please, that there were simply no real obligations left.

"I am not read well, but when I do read, I read well."

He caught me off gaurd. I'm trying not to fall too soon.

 I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am barely sixteen and I am already exhausted.
 
And Im starting to think there really is no cure for depression, that happiness is an ongoing battle, and I wonder if it isn't one I'll have to fight for as long as I live. I wonder if it's worth it.

I'm sad I'm sad I'm sad I'm sad I'm sad

if I had a nickle...

Please, Keep looking past me.
You know I wish I could help. I want to help, but I don't need to. I shouldn't have to. Its one of those mondays.

"My generation's apathy. I'm disgusted with it. I'm disgusted with my own apathy too, for being spineless and not always standing up against racism, sexism and all those other -isms the counterculture has been whinning about for years."


I like him. I like him. I like him. I will repeat that until it sticks. Nailed. Bolted. In my brain.

I KNEW I WOULDN'T GET A SURPRISE PARTY.

the way you play the game is crazy

you don't have to say you're sorry, you don't owe me anything. sometimes it seems like I've got all the answers
but the answers aren't the same when the questions keep on changing,like how will I react when I see my mother crying every single day 'cause she is afraid of dying?
and how will I contain my anger when Delila plays Unchained Melody instead of Lost In Your Eyes? and where will I go where I can feel safe when my family sells its place and we all split up and move away?

I'm trying to be brave
'cause when I'm brave
other people feel brave
but I feel like my heart is caving in

take this job and shove it, Adios I'm a ghost.

Fall in love with me.

a huge slap in the face.

For a second there I was convinced that this summer was going to be filled with failure. Failed friendships, failed relationships, and failed potential. I was wrong. Sometimes I just feel so lucky.

I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him.
I want him I want him I want him.
What the fuck am I doing?

sad excuse

you're so nice and you're so smart.

you're such a good friend i have to break your heart.

tell you that i love you then i'll tear your world apart.

just pretend i didn't tear your world apart.


I'm not sure how its going right now.

nothing more

I'm not leaving for texas this summer. My dad currently thinks his fathering duties are minimal. I guess he's right.
I'm thinking about him too often, too much. I should be up to the point where he's nothing more than the secrets under my bed.

My sister told me to kill myself today. GOTTA LOVE HATRED from the one person who made it worthe it all. How do I not get to the point.

expectations;

We made plans to be unbreakable
Love was all we knew
No insurance for the unthinkable,
Blindly get us through.
We've been searching for a lifetime,
Short as it may seem.

Riding on the flames that spark us,
While igniting dreams

Mistakes we knew we were making.
Mistakes we knew we were making.

I'm confused as to why I'm sick.
I keep having these vivid dreams, and they don't make any sense. They never make any sense. I'm trying to piece them together but its like they refuse to fit. It may be a reflection on how I feel about him or him. Or everything in between. although they aren't nightmares I wake up with tears, endless tears. I have many worries and all these 'mistakes' are racking up some serious hate. I think what I need is to spend a day at the park in the grass, developing hives, and picnic.
I love my Friends, even if they aren't convinced that I do. They've been through this before. My headache is eating at my already shrivled brain. I just want school to start. Sitting at home reviewing who I can and can't see is getting too tiring. Summer always leaves this gap, and I'm just so happy to know that ill be able to see this sunshine while I'm living. I'm not so sure my future family will.

Its always cut short. You won't go away, and I keep thinking about you, thinking, thinking, thinking and I'm just stuck being the 'sinking ship'. I hope your happy with yourself.

I have never felt so revolting in my life more than I have these past two weeks.
I continiously make mistakes that reflect negativly off of my relationship with god, and don't get me wrong some are fun but others are down right scum worthy. I made the mistake of almost letting my last piece of morality slip and I feel like I am the worst human being alive.

But on a brighter note, I have decided to end my whiny depressing blogspot posts. They make me sound really annoying and I usually don't let off that impression. (Colleen may be reading this and laughing or smirking(what a bitch))(yes, that was a parenthesis in a parenthesis.....) I am not going to let off some sunshine and kittens attitude. It is summer I am leaving for texas this sunday. Well, supposed to be leaving. I am working on my list for every trait I want in a boy/future husband. Starting with: godly, and reliable. :)

(Song of solomon 7:9-12, thanks identity!)

I realize that I let off the impression that I am a small child. I still plan my future wedding and am going to start praying for my future husband starting now. Hayley rogers should probably do the same......

Pray for my possi attitude in future posts.

I realized that if I was going to be wise, then I need to love correction (Pr 12:1)

the day has just began and I cannot shut my eyes and sleep in peace. I think I'm going to pray that i'll find the inner strength I need for this to all just blow over and forget.
He really did hurt me by slowly but surely handing me the news that ruined every good intention I had with *him.
The only person I can trust right now isn't even visible. It all comes down to me trusting, and my judgement in probably the poorest out of us all.

I want to go now. I don't want to see anybody ever again and right now deep down I'm sad. I'm actually sad. I really do want the livin' to be easy, but everythings gotten so hard and unrealistic its starting to eat at all the sunshine I have left to hand out.
I don't even know what I'm doing or saying half the time, even if your reading this know that its not half as over dramatized as it sounds. (If it does at all) I am lost.

This is the time where I start to TRY, sadly my phase of 'fucking people over then having them fuck me over and bitch about it' has just begun. She needs help.

bits and pieces

Its been a rough few days.
Starting with july 4th and not ending. I know its only going to esculate. hate to say it but things can only get worse, and even my positivity and charming smile cannot fill the void.

I think I broke his heart. I didn't mean to but I did. I thought I really really wanted him, but he just isn't what I want right now. I want him now. he's different. Its wierd and I try to make it more than it ever will be but what the heck? I will only be this munipulative once.

My mom is filling me with so much anger and frustration, and I just wish she could learn to talk or even listen. Its not that she doesn't care, its just she doesn't know how to- how to do anything more than what she's doing now. Were not anymore stable than we were a month or two ago and its starting to really get to me again.
I guess you could say I've fallen for my reaccuring depression phase. As pathetic as it makes me sound to admit that I guess it had to be said.

My friends, I guess I can't really figure out wich ones actually 'exist'. I need to jump back on the faith bandwagon, because this whole "life is a party" attitude is just way too easy. I know there's a gnarly catch, and I don't want to end up having to endure it. Bits and pieces keep falling out of my mouth. I scare small children and parents don't want me around there kids. What is left? What's next for me?

Oh, and I ruined tyler orears birthday party, and I don't feel bad. Not one bit. I just don't like you, any of you. Its time for someone to grow up, or maybe we all do. I'm just the only one who admits that I want to.

fireworks

I'm starting to believe everything everyone says. Its not vulnerability its way more pathetic than that......I feel discouraged with the future and what's in store. If there even is either. I shouldn't worry but I do.

I feel bad for him and him and her and him. I'm not accomplishing anything when I sit back and watch, but I won't fall again. I'm still here wishing and praying like I'm mother teresa herself. I don't need to care, but I do.

I should have given him a reason to stay the last time. I look back on all of them and know that they are all I have to show for watever effort I set fourth. I am sad today. This won't be forever. Promise.



Pray for comfort.

you were born original, don't die a copy.

I'm not always sad I'm really not. I don't even really like to whine. I guess I'm just kinda spoiled in a wierd way. Not exactly matierals and what not but with opportunity. That sounds stupid but I've been thinking about it a lot lately.
--------------------------------------
I didn't know I loved him until I found myself in the middle of it. Concern wasn't something I'd ever really though about before. Now all I can do is be concerned about him, and hope he cares. I hope he knows I care. I'm afraid to say it.

Its almost like the more I neglect the better I feel about how I'm living. I know its not right.

its like

Everyone I know is saying the same things, and I don't care. I don't feel comfortable where I am anymore. Everyone I associate with seems to lie with more compassion and less and less remorse. I've been wasting my time trying to find friends that are worthe it when they were right in front of my eyes all along. I made a huge mistake. I make mistakes, but I enjoy mistakes more than I should.

Summer is going by slow. Summer shouldn't be slow. I haven't written I haven't thought of anything more than what's going down the next day. I want more than this, but I have plenty of time to waste.

My family is fucked, and my friends even more. I'd hate to see what happens next for either. My birthdays coming up. I don't have much on my list. I getta go to papas house. Far far away.