this isn't as easy as I thought.
If I had a secret admirer it would make my life so much more exciting. Well technically there is a possibility that I have one but don't know it because it is a 'secret' admirer. oh so, I really am this stupid...
I'm really starting to hate everyone. it's becoming a problem, and THEY as a whole don't even know it. I'm so good at lying it burns. I guess its just a taste of what's to come.
I'm starting to repeat the phrase 'I wish' in all of my sentences. "I wish I didn't mess that up." "I wish I didn't mess him up." "I wish my mom really knew how much I love her." "I wish he knew how I really felt." I wish I wish I wish blah blah blankety blank BlaNk BLANK. This blog fills me with sorrow, along with anyone else who takes the time to paste that url into their address bars. I read over all of the cold harmless words I've written over the past and realize that I am indeed one of the most demented humanbeings I know. And let me tell you, I know many demented human beings. Maybe I'm just seeing things again.
Dear God,
I am tired. So so tired. Why can't I get a good nap, a well nights rest, etc.? Why won't you just let me be on YOUR side? Why can't I just be let into your frat without the initiation trial? Cut me some slack. My entire life has been an initiation for yours sake. I can't stay in this place. I can't stand when this room turns around on my faith. I can't stay too long. Wait, Am I feeling 'sorry for myself' again? And I've come to the conclusion to lay the blame on 'love'. 'GODS LOVE' (haha) everytime I hear that phrase I smirk, giggle, or worse roll on the floor with laughter. I can't help but question your existance or your humor. What kind of humor do you possess, because its definately not easy practical joke puppies in the basket kind. Its waaay too dark for something 'jesus christ' could conjure up. Nobody knows.
Sincerely,
Your long lost
My bones wish to escape
And run along an alien expance
To collapse from the heat
In a cartoonish heap
To sleep oh to sleep
Won't you come to comfort me?
I can't forget the ghost
I can't forget the ghost
I can't forget the ghost
Of his smile
If you give me
Just a little smile
Sometimes days go speeding past
Sometimes this one seems like the last
P.S.
Here's to all the pretty girls your going to meet.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
sunshine sunshine
Please don't take my sunshine away
Its been wierd lately. I keep on displeasing everyone around me. The ones I try my best to please end up dissapointed in me, and the ones I could care less about pleasing are the ones who bow down in approvement. Is this some sort of practical joke from the heavenly father himself? Or some love and affection from satan? I am getting mixed feelings lately. Very mixed feelings.
Well I got caught smoking marijuana by jess's ma and let me tell you that its not as pleasent as it sounds. I actually kinda felt bad, for opening her eyes to how un-innocent jess has become. I hope she doesn't think I'm the only corrupting influence in her life. I mean, there's a good chance that's exactly what she thinks. So long story short...me and jess are grounded for a bit until I can prove I'm trying my best to be a demon and not satan himself.
UUHHMM
Me and him are doing okay. For a second it was better, then it worse, and now its just alright. I like him a lot I really do, but its not so easy when he makes me feel like I'm the worst possible human being to have a relationship with. Wich may be true but he shouldn't be acknowledging it this far in. I'm confused as to when I should draw a conclusion. Wether it be positive for negative. His grandma obviously hopes its negative...
My mother is making an effort. I can feel it. I'm not alloud to see it but I can feel it and hear it in the sencerity. I love her wether you him or her think its the worst. I can't bring myself to hate who ill most likely be in 20 years. (If I last that long.) I can't even begin to describe how thankful I am for that. Most people would kill to end up the opposite. I know I'm dying to be exactly the same.
I guess we're going to church tomarrow, (or technically today) says tina....we'll see how that goes. I can't wait for evan to be a piece of shit in front of people who take this 100% seriously. And jessica to be and athiestic cunt of a daughter. This is like a late birthday present!
Things I've given up 2008:
Him
Marijuana
Shitty books
Identity
Stuck up children over the conejo grade
Crush's
Television
Relationships with parents
Sexual intercourse at the worst time
Shady 'friends'
Trying so hard to hate music
Enjoying peoples horrible humor
Criticism
Critical people
Toleranc for both/all of the above.
Getting along with anyone I know I shouldn't like.
Its been wierd lately. I keep on displeasing everyone around me. The ones I try my best to please end up dissapointed in me, and the ones I could care less about pleasing are the ones who bow down in approvement. Is this some sort of practical joke from the heavenly father himself? Or some love and affection from satan? I am getting mixed feelings lately. Very mixed feelings.
Well I got caught smoking marijuana by jess's ma and let me tell you that its not as pleasent as it sounds. I actually kinda felt bad, for opening her eyes to how un-innocent jess has become. I hope she doesn't think I'm the only corrupting influence in her life. I mean, there's a good chance that's exactly what she thinks. So long story short...me and jess are grounded for a bit until I can prove I'm trying my best to be a demon and not satan himself.
UUHHMM
Me and him are doing okay. For a second it was better, then it worse, and now its just alright. I like him a lot I really do, but its not so easy when he makes me feel like I'm the worst possible human being to have a relationship with. Wich may be true but he shouldn't be acknowledging it this far in. I'm confused as to when I should draw a conclusion. Wether it be positive for negative. His grandma obviously hopes its negative...
My mother is making an effort. I can feel it. I'm not alloud to see it but I can feel it and hear it in the sencerity. I love her wether you him or her think its the worst. I can't bring myself to hate who ill most likely be in 20 years. (If I last that long.) I can't even begin to describe how thankful I am for that. Most people would kill to end up the opposite. I know I'm dying to be exactly the same.
I guess we're going to church tomarrow, (or technically today) says tina....we'll see how that goes. I can't wait for evan to be a piece of shit in front of people who take this 100% seriously. And jessica to be and athiestic cunt of a daughter. This is like a late birthday present!
Things I've given up 2008:
Him
Marijuana
Shitty books
Identity
Stuck up children over the conejo grade
Crush's
Television
Relationships with parents
Sexual intercourse at the worst time
Shady 'friends'
Trying so hard to hate music
Enjoying peoples horrible humor
Criticism
Critical people
Toleranc for both/all of the above.
Getting along with anyone I know I shouldn't like.
sunshine sunshine
Please don't take my sunshine away
Its been wierd lately. I keep on displeasing everyone around me. The ones I try my best to please end up dissapointed in me, and the ones I could care less about pleasing are the ones who bow down in approvement. Is this some sort of practical joke from the heavenly father himself? Or some love and affection from satan? I am getting mixed feelings lately. Very mixed feelings.
Well I got caught smoking marijuana by jess's ma and let me tell you that its not as pleasent as it sounds. I actually kinda felt bad, for opening her eyes to how un-innocent jess has become. I hope she doesn't think I'm the only corrupting influence in her life. I mean, there's a good chance that's exactly what she thinks. So long story short...me and jess are grounded for a bit until I can prove I'm trying my best to be a demon and not satan himself.
UUHHMM
Me and him are doing okay. For a second it was better, then it worse, and now its just alright. I like him a lot I really do, but its not so easy when he makes me feel like I'm the worst possible human being to have a relationship with. Wich may be true but he shouldn't be acknowledging it this far in. I'm confused as to when I should draw a conclusion. Wether it be positive for negative. His grandma obviously hopes its negative...
My mother is making an effort. I can feel it. I'm not alloud to see it but I can feel it and hear it in the sencerity. I love her wether you him or her think its the worst. I can't bring myself to hate who ill most likely be in 20 years. (If I last that long.) I can't even begin to describe how thankful I am for that. Most people would kill to end up the opposite. I know I'm dying to be exactly the same.
I guess we're going to church tomarrow, (or technically today) says tina....we'll see how that goes. I can't wait for evan to be a piece of shit in front of people who take this 100% seriously. And jessica to be and athiestic cunt of a daughter. This is like a late birthday present!
Things I've given up 2008:
Him
Marijuana
Shitty books
Identity
Stuck up children over the conejo grade
Crush's
Television
Relationships with parents
Sexual intercourse at the worst time
Shady 'friends'
Trying so hard to hate music
Enjoying peoples horrible humor
Criticism
Critical people
Toleranc for both/all of the above.
Getting along with anyone I know I shouldn't like.
Its been wierd lately. I keep on displeasing everyone around me. The ones I try my best to please end up dissapointed in me, and the ones I could care less about pleasing are the ones who bow down in approvement. Is this some sort of practical joke from the heavenly father himself? Or some love and affection from satan? I am getting mixed feelings lately. Very mixed feelings.
Well I got caught smoking marijuana by jess's ma and let me tell you that its not as pleasent as it sounds. I actually kinda felt bad, for opening her eyes to how un-innocent jess has become. I hope she doesn't think I'm the only corrupting influence in her life. I mean, there's a good chance that's exactly what she thinks. So long story short...me and jess are grounded for a bit until I can prove I'm trying my best to be a demon and not satan himself.
UUHHMM
Me and him are doing okay. For a second it was better, then it worse, and now its just alright. I like him a lot I really do, but its not so easy when he makes me feel like I'm the worst possible human being to have a relationship with. Wich may be true but he shouldn't be acknowledging it this far in. I'm confused as to when I should draw a conclusion. Wether it be positive for negative. His grandma obviously hopes its negative...
My mother is making an effort. I can feel it. I'm not alloud to see it but I can feel it and hear it in the sencerity. I love her wether you him or her think its the worst. I can't bring myself to hate who ill most likely be in 20 years. (If I last that long.) I can't even begin to describe how thankful I am for that. Most people would kill to end up the opposite. I know I'm dying to be exactly the same.
I guess we're going to church tomarrow, (or technically today) says tina....we'll see how that goes. I can't wait for evan to be a piece of shit in front of people who take this 100% seriously. And jessica to be and athiestic cunt of a daughter. This is like a late birthday present!
Things I've given up 2008:
Him
Marijuana
Shitty books
Identity
Stuck up children over the conejo grade
Crush's
Television
Relationships with parents
Sexual intercourse at the worst time
Shady 'friends'
Trying so hard to hate music
Enjoying peoples horrible humor
Criticism
Critical people
Toleranc for both/all of the above.
Getting along with anyone I know I shouldn't like.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
nothing has changed all over again
"Only love can break your heart, and if your world should fall apart..."
I have no idea where we are going.
I cant seem to make up my mind.
PLEASE GIVE ME MORE REASONS WHY.
I waste so much time when i stop to think about it.
School is so slow. god so slow.
I would kill for something new.
I feel like i know too many people,
or let me rephrase that people who think they know me.
I miss the actually people i opened up to in the first place.
The persmission is the best part.
I am so sorry if it seems im distant.
I should probably not try so hard to be a terrible friend, or person.
I don't want to end up alone, i swear i dont.
I miss you like you can't imagine.
This kind of distance can't even be found in the stories we read or movies we see
I mean, it doesn't feel like it can. Not from where I am.
I'm all alone, at last. I'm all alone, at last.
I often miss this little girl
whose dreams had no barriers...
who believed in a world
where anything is possible
with a heart that was full and unbroken
I can't hold onto this.
I haven't seen you for a number of months.
I know I said those words
I know they sounded like the truth
I just want to say I'm sorry. I'm Sorry.
I miss you, I don't care if im not number one right now.
Someday someday soon. That's alright.
p.s.
you aren't being punished, you just haven't been rewarded yet.
I have no idea where we are going.
I cant seem to make up my mind.
PLEASE GIVE ME MORE REASONS WHY.
I waste so much time when i stop to think about it.
School is so slow. god so slow.
I would kill for something new.
I feel like i know too many people,
or let me rephrase that people who think they know me.
I miss the actually people i opened up to in the first place.
The persmission is the best part.
I am so sorry if it seems im distant.
I should probably not try so hard to be a terrible friend, or person.
I don't want to end up alone, i swear i dont.
I miss you like you can't imagine.
This kind of distance can't even be found in the stories we read or movies we see
I mean, it doesn't feel like it can. Not from where I am.
I'm all alone, at last. I'm all alone, at last.
I often miss this little girl
whose dreams had no barriers...
who believed in a world
where anything is possible
with a heart that was full and unbroken
I can't hold onto this.
I haven't seen you for a number of months.
I know I said those words
I know they sounded like the truth
I just want to say I'm sorry. I'm Sorry.
I miss you, I don't care if im not number one right now.
Someday someday soon. That's alright.
p.s.
you aren't being punished, you just haven't been rewarded yet.
Monday, September 22, 2008
the long post
I've always wanted to.
*************************************
I think there's something going on behind my back. Like the truman show ya know? I feel like when I turn around the sets bound to be there with audience, directors and annoying family members you only see on the good christmas dinners.
I am so tired of trying to figure it all out. The sleep doesn't come to easy when I'm trying to figure it all out. I just want to sleep. I'm taking everything in though. Learning, coping just being the classic person who wants to learn stuff person that I am. I sound so crazy right now................................
.
..
...
....
......
..........
.....................
.....................................
.......................................................
..................................................................................
..................................................................................................................
In the beginning I didn't know you. I didn't want to know you. I was just guessing you were a no no, progressively you proved me wrong I am haunted; "You dont get to choose you just fall in love and you get this person who is all wrong and all right at the same time. And you know you love them so much except sometimes they just drive you completely insane and no one can explain it. And the reason its so confusing is because it's love, but if love didn't have any challenges what would be the point?" I am tired of force eating that bull shit. Sure it was fun, but I forgot you once, I can easily do it again. You are no longer a part of my "how's he/she doing" concern list. Goodbye.
P.S.
I really hoped we'd make it.
_______________________________
^^I guess not as crazy as I sounded before^^
What kind of a lullaby is a screaming gang of expectations ready to scratch at you as soon as the lights go out? I keep asking you jaysus dog but I get nothing but dark circles and more 'forward' sacks for bedtime aids. If this is some stunt to bring me below just remember i'll see you there soon too.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
This isn't fair; I think people need to be educated to the fact that marijuana is not a drug. Marijuana is an herb and a flower. God put it here. If He put it here and He wants it to grow, what gives the government the right to say that God is wrong?
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
I have got so many many bad qualities right? But what about the good ones? There has to be some reason why you still try to read my lips.
With tears from me, return to me, Return to me, my love. I miss your support. Wether it was considered negative or not. I miss you. I really do. Return to the clouds, return in the caves, return all around me. I won't forget this or that. With nobody in your bed the nights hard to get through.
₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪
Sunshine and Roses baby, its all good , its Golden!
₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪
I have not found to be what youd expect of me. summer has come and summer has gone. Found new friends who are tight on the ends. Its freezing on the coldest winter I'm destined to have. suttlely and simply put I am in for a 'rough one'.
Dear God, Its getting kind of lonely down here. Why can't I find you? Why can't I FIND you? Why can't I find YOU?...
I gotta find you...
Maybe this post wasn't so long afterall.
*************************************
I think there's something going on behind my back. Like the truman show ya know? I feel like when I turn around the sets bound to be there with audience, directors and annoying family members you only see on the good christmas dinners.
I am so tired of trying to figure it all out. The sleep doesn't come to easy when I'm trying to figure it all out. I just want to sleep. I'm taking everything in though. Learning, coping just being the classic person who wants to learn stuff person that I am. I sound so crazy right now................................
.
..
...
....
......
..........
.....................
.....................................
.......................................................
..................................................................................
..................................................................................................................
In the beginning I didn't know you. I didn't want to know you. I was just guessing you were a no no, progressively you proved me wrong I am haunted; "You dont get to choose you just fall in love and you get this person who is all wrong and all right at the same time. And you know you love them so much except sometimes they just drive you completely insane and no one can explain it. And the reason its so confusing is because it's love, but if love didn't have any challenges what would be the point?" I am tired of force eating that bull shit. Sure it was fun, but I forgot you once, I can easily do it again. You are no longer a part of my "how's he/she doing" concern list. Goodbye.
P.S.
I really hoped we'd make it.
_______________________________
^^I guess not as crazy as I sounded before^^
What kind of a lullaby is a screaming gang of expectations ready to scratch at you as soon as the lights go out? I keep asking you jaysus dog but I get nothing but dark circles and more 'forward' sacks for bedtime aids. If this is some stunt to bring me below just remember i'll see you there soon too.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
This isn't fair; I think people need to be educated to the fact that marijuana is not a drug. Marijuana is an herb and a flower. God put it here. If He put it here and He wants it to grow, what gives the government the right to say that God is wrong?
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
I have got so many many bad qualities right? But what about the good ones? There has to be some reason why you still try to read my lips.
With tears from me, return to me, Return to me, my love. I miss your support. Wether it was considered negative or not. I miss you. I really do. Return to the clouds, return in the caves, return all around me. I won't forget this or that. With nobody in your bed the nights hard to get through.
₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪
Sunshine and Roses baby, its all good , its Golden!
₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪
I have not found to be what youd expect of me. summer has come and summer has gone. Found new friends who are tight on the ends. Its freezing on the coldest winter I'm destined to have. suttlely and simply put I am in for a 'rough one'.
Dear God, Its getting kind of lonely down here. Why can't I find you? Why can't I FIND you? Why can't I find YOU?...
I gotta find you...
Maybe this post wasn't so long afterall.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
at the wake
Things seem easier lately. Simple rules, simple regulations, simple judgement.
I've been losing everything, but now-right now it seems as though I'm winning completely. I have a new 'family' and things couldn't be any better. I can feel the creeks already...
Me and Him are always the same. There is no good nor bad when it comes to us. Its an all time Okay. I feel like this is my average stance. This is where I belong. Averagely happy, averagly content. I wanted something else of course but I have to cope with what I can get right? I'm not making any sense. I have one question. One question to determine wich road I fall upon. That question is:
Should there be a second chance?
I'm sure we all have had that answer nestled between some faint memory we hate but hold dear in our brains for a very long time now. it isn't too late but even I know its a huge mistake.
Its too late
I've been losing everything, but now-right now it seems as though I'm winning completely. I have a new 'family' and things couldn't be any better. I can feel the creeks already...
Me and Him are always the same. There is no good nor bad when it comes to us. Its an all time Okay. I feel like this is my average stance. This is where I belong. Averagely happy, averagly content. I wanted something else of course but I have to cope with what I can get right? I'm not making any sense. I have one question. One question to determine wich road I fall upon. That question is:
Should there be a second chance?
I'm sure we all have had that answer nestled between some faint memory we hate but hold dear in our brains for a very long time now. it isn't too late but even I know its a huge mistake.
Its too late
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
no one is watching
I am free at last, wich somehow turns into a paradox.
Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you
It's the wrong time
For somebody new
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse
can breathe but I keep filling my eyes with tears. I miss everything I already have. What's wrong with me?
Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you
It's the wrong time
For somebody new
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse
Thursday, September 11, 2008
its been awhile
but i have come to update because i have no life anyways.
im an orphan sorta, but im grateful for the good friends i have. seriously though , i appreciate you guys for putting up with all my shit. i instigate but you still love me, and i cant even begin to describe the amount of gratitude i have. especially jess. normally i dont name drop but she deserves it.
anyway, schools on and going but its not exactly how i imagined it. me and him are still pullin along, but i always miss him
i know i know i know i know
somehow i thought this would be better.
im an orphan sorta, but im grateful for the good friends i have. seriously though , i appreciate you guys for putting up with all my shit. i instigate but you still love me, and i cant even begin to describe the amount of gratitude i have. especially jess. normally i dont name drop but she deserves it.
anyway, schools on and going but its not exactly how i imagined it. me and him are still pullin along, but i always miss him
i know i know i know i know
somehow i thought this would be better.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
