Most things are coming together, and like always I'm only focusing on the things that are not.

I'm practicly begging god to let me be. let me be at peace. I do realize that its up to me to do what I have to do. It's up to me to choose my reactions, strengths, weakness's, desires and so on, but I'm constantly mixing up what the pros are to this beautiful ongoing relationship with him. I just don't understand most of the time. Oh, but i am trying. I truly am.

My mother is slowly but surely, and my aunt is still short tempered with her.
My grandma and I haven't spoken in what feels like months. I know if i really cared about her, i'd call regardless of the quiet small talk we do, but I hurt. My sister is so confused. I can't even tell if I'm the one who is worse off this time around. She doesnt speak up much, and even I being her twin and all can't read what she's silently saying. It makes me want to scream.

I feel like my faiths falling apart. You see, I recognize I'm one of the lucky ones who notice it rather then just completely falling apart, and yet I still sit here, and whine. I don't even try to save it. Pathetic, but At least I realize that I need God, and that it is the right thing. It's not just a bunch of judgmental nose up in the air people singing to an imaginary god. I know it's real, but I can't seem to find what is lost. That spot.

I look around, and see all these kids, left and right so proud that they believe in nothing. That they are thier own god, and it makes me sick. when did this happen? We live in a world of people who dare deny the truth or even say that they only believe in him when they need him. CMON! And god is nice enough to give them another day to change, and grow. Know.
That's me being close minded.

I've been blessed recently;
My real friends are amazing, and the boy area is getting there. I may not be hooking up with every sam and eric in the phone book, but I can assure you I am well off my friend.

pray for stability, and I could use a new brain!

Confusion.

I Want This
to End.

i'm losing faith, and i'm munipulating what seems like everyone around me without impulse.
I hope this is just a phase, because if it not then i have nothing to look forward to.

I feel like I haven't touched base with actual people in so long. Keeping myself in what I consider complete solitude is doing me no good. I need more.

I'm considering going back to a place that I never wanted to go back to. Sure, I loved the safe feeling, but its not just that. If I end up there, then I know that I can't hurt "them" anymore. I don't want to hurt them, nor do I hurt them intentionally. My family thinks I'm a joke. My friends, aren't friends. I don't know how to prove that I'm real, that I want and so desperately need change. I can't do this on my own, because I'm admitting that a person my age with my mentality cannot go through this without someones helpful hands pushing me along.

As for school, ill most likely go to westlake after spring break, and stay with my mother. Pray for the better. I know she needs support, but I can't support someone who's just a pile of nothing. Wich is a funny paradox. Her and I aren't so different, and I'm slowly realizing that. I need more time. I need time to go slower. I need time to never exist. I can dream.

My sister and I could not be more different, or alike. I feel like she's always out doing me somehow, as I am outdoing her in some other way. ill never understand how she gains no worry from those around her. Ill never understand why her eyes fill with such dispair yet still content at the same time. How she does what she does without any problems whatsoever. When will god allow me that? When will I allow myself that, because yes I know...its all up to me.

.....the show was alright. John speer was acting strange. I'd like to get to the very bottom of what's bothering him. Sometimes I think I'm in love with his words. His heart, and his ability to hold it all together. I admire so many of my friends for those same reasons. They give chances, and cut breaks. Unlike the rest of the world. But I guess if the rest of the world did that, then wed all be in a horrible slacking place.

Pray for some strength, and gods will to run it's course A.S.A.P!

Isn't it funny how things work out?

Mistakes. You never know when your going to make one. You always think you do, but you don't ever know for sure.
I hate mistakes.

Confidence in everything I do is going to take a lot. A lot of things that I don't have. Life is beautiful, yet I'm struggling to keep a grasp on that. It shouldn't be this hard.

I'm not enrolled in camarillo high anymore. I feel the wieght off, but I know it won't be for long. (Please excuse my constant implication of pessimism.) I know I have to go to school, and what not. But, I definatly don't want to go to school in the valley, and I'm fearing the outcome of the transfer to westlake. My best alternative is independent studies. And I'm not so sure that'll work out. Is it just me, or is nothing easy anymore?

Today was rough on us all. I had a test in like all my classes. I would have had homework, but I no longer have the obligation to care. (Yeah, I am rubbing that in your face) I wanted to rip out cynthias eyes she used to be my best friend, but all I hear from her mouthe now is constant jealousy, hurt. I can feel it, almost to the point of hate. I don't understand what I did. I don't understand why she doesn't realize her life doesn't have to be that way. It should be easier for her, for us.

When I count my blessings .....
I don't dare say what you say. I give thanks for more. Much much more. Rather than family, rather than friends, rather than money I give thanks for things like:
Nature, gods will, smiles, and imagination.
The ability to determine where I stand.
I like freedom, and its a real bust to know that it'll end soon enough.

No one speaks truthe like god does, and that is why I am trusting in him to do what he has to do in this situation. My friends, my family, my whole life . I realize there's billions of people on this planet, and god chooses to love me like I'm the only one. It feels like nothing I can explain through mere words. I just wish everyone knew sooner rather than later.

Brianna has me worried.
Grandma has me worried.
Mother has me worried.
You have my worried.
Worry is something I don't need.

Excuse these pessemistic words. If I put off that impression at all. I'm going through a tough time. have faith.

Pray for the ability to keep my head on straight, and to stay clean and faithful.

Things are going exceptionally good. School may not be where it should on my list of priorities, but god, and family are.

All my friends are starting to sound the same. They're not ready, and I'm not ready to waste time on belligelence. Be realistic.

I saw my mom yesterday. She's just as bad as when we left her. I don't care what you say drugs are A waste of time, and a key reason for the fall of humanity.
Brianna seems to be better. We're perfectly content with laura. Learning about god , and working on ourselves.

I'm worried about my grandma.
She's slowly slipping further and further away. Her health is questionable. I can't help but think I'm a little at fault, for watever it is that's going on.

On a bright note...
Spring break is in a few days. actually tomarrow. Tomarrow will be good.

I'm still looking for new hopeful friends.

This weekend was fantastic!

Friday brianna and I went over to colleens house, and watched some television, and a little bit of into the wild. Then we left for collision, wich was an amazing turn out. Tons of kids, and great bands. I'm so glad so many people helped out those african babies. Even people from camarillo went.

Saturday I enjoyed a day at lauras. We watched movies, and learned so much off the word of god. I enjoyed every second of that solitude. Hah

Today should be good. Church later, and then probably dinner. Or before that. I haven't showered in like two days, and everythings starting to come out of the wood work. I need to start focusing on school, but they don't know what I have to fix first. I need to get this in order first. Sometimes I think I'm just one of those kids. Those kids I ever so carelessly put down. The dropouts the failures. I don't know, maybe I'm just one of them.

I talked to my mom yesterday. She sounded like she did when I left her. I don't know if I can take hearing her for another day, yet another 2 or 3 years. She's unbearable. I don't know if my sister feels the same way, but I'm pretty sure she's about there.

These living arrangements are starting to get me confused, and I think I'm going to do Independent studies to catch up. I guess that's for the better. My "friends" probably won't see a difference anyway. I only have a few left. How long will it take till they're completely gone? I'm praying for stability, for change, and for me to help myself get out of this. Its so hard.

My faith is still strong. Pray for patience, strength, and stability. Even if this is vague just know I'm going through a lot.

Sup ZCAST!??!

Life really is the ultimate gift. God is so good. Even if people like zack castanon insist on the negative comments. For absolutely no reason.

ANYWHO,
Youth group at calvary honestly is a blessing. Identity has nothing on the love flow they have going on over there. Hopefully bobs reading this, and knowing that I appreciate him for inviting me to begin with. And, giving me a little reminder of how amazing god truly is. LOVE YA BRO. But n e ways, the lesson tonight was on the book ok James 2:14
"What good is it, my brothers if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him?"
I finally got the grasp on why judgement is such a waste. We are all the same at the foot of the cross.

Collision is tomarrow, and I am way way way excited. A bunch of bands raising money for a really good cause, and hayley air guitaring...can't get any better. I think it'll have a bigger turn out then we're going expecting.

School was good, not super fantastic, but good. I want to give up on spanish, and just do art. I want to send all the kids in my math class back to middle school, and I want to get rid of everyone who's not accepting my descions. I feel like I'm wasting so much of my time.

I am signing up for beginners ballet, and making good friends with people who do more than sit in a tiny bubbley bubble. I'm going to look for inspiration in all I do. I'm going to use symbolism more. And give back. I'm going to do this, and so much more. I AM.

I haven't talked to my mom. We're (brianna and I) with my aunt. Colleens brightening up! Brianna seems to have a grasp. And I'm still completely happy. believeing god will take care of this all, and will in the end be the best. Pray for me, and I will definately be praying for you.

Today was better than usual. Exit exams are ridiculous. The bright side to it, was being able to see mr.doyles beautiful face for 4 hours. LORD jesus! God bless that man <3333 hah.

_________

Lunch was wierd. It was our usual group sitting. And I felt really apart. Left out. I don't know, but this has been happening a lot lately. I don't know if my friends resent me for anything, although I can't think of any reasons why they would, but its a thought. Nevermind I lied. I know exactly why.

As you know I'm leaving camarillo high to transfer to westlake, and colleen is the most upset. And you also know that Colleen has become a really close friend, and I have the ability to tell her almost everything, and she's making it so hard to leave camarillo. I mean I know she's one of THOSE people. The people you want to keep. I know if we actually cared we'd stay in contact with eachother, but what if one of us cares more than the other?

Besides that I'm becoming more and more distant with cynthia, and everyone else in camarillo. I'm sorta glad. I've recently met vivian, from identity of course. She is really inspiring, and I admire a lot of the things she does. I hope her and I become close friends.

My moms getting better, and stronger. I hope she doesn't go back, and my aunts here to stay. My sisters still miserable, and completely confused. I haven't seen it get this good, or this bad. But I'm handing it all to god, and I know it'll turn out ok.

In need of inspiration, and strength. Pray for me. Please.

today was exactly what I needed.

I didn't go to school, so that means I didn't take my exit exam and I'm just so thankful that there is a make up day for it. Tomarrow ill be going, and hopefully have a clear head.

Besides that, So much has been going on, so much I can't talk about. I feel like this overwhelming feeling has worstened. My mom is getting worse, my doubts are coming back. My sister has never been this miserable. I'm trying my best to look on the bright side. I'm trying my best to get through highschool. I'm trying my best to be the best I can be. I can't help but cry out for help. I really need help. And its so hard for me even to admit this all.

I went to identity, and forgot about this all. I saw those happy people who are so in love with god , and just felt so warm. I know I'm not "family" or anything, but I loved it. The worship was a bust at the begining, but we all loosened up. Hayley, luke, and I had a talk, and I'm just so worried for everyone. I know I can't play mama though.

God is so good, and I'm glad other people notice. Especially teenagers these days. I appreciate identity, and aaron, and all those kids who aren't "too cool" to meet new people, but sadly I think I'm going to leave. I don't know for sure yet, but I don't like the cliques, and the judgement. I know their trying. I just don't see a complete change.

Also, lately I've been needing new people. New godly people who know what its like. If you know someone, or are that someone like that. Don't be afraid to talk to me. I want to listen, and talk!

Sorry this was so cut up , and probably meaningless to you.

Life is hard. It is way too hard.
Everythings begining to eat at me,
And I can't hold myself together. I can't .

God has blessed me with the eyes to witness so much, and I don't even want it. I don't want any of it. I don't think I can take this much longer, I am going to break. I can only count on one person, and that is jesus. I need all the prayer I can get.



And I guess, school today was fine. Boring, and useless, but fine. I went to worship/bible study with my aunt later, and that was fantastic of course. Gained a banana split! And tomarrow I have the exit exam. I'm not going, and I have no future.

Goodbye.

Let me just say:
This time change is tearing me apart.

This weekend has definately been the most boring weekend I've had in awhile. I didn't see comeback kid, I didn't hangout with friends. I sat , and ate, and sat some more. I feel like I waste so much of my life doing just that. Someday ill find some real adventurous friends. Friends who don't sit around and do the exact same thing.

I'm still trying to rid myself of this overwhelming feeling. I can't get rid of it. I had a panic attack today. Yeah, I'm thinkin what your thinkin'...I need help. I don't seem to know exactly what I need help with . School, friendship, faith, or just life? Its getting harder, and I wish god would take it easy. I mean I'm trying, your trying...isn't it enough?
These questions are never answered.

I feel like everyones moving away. Like we're all going in different directions, away from what we all thought we wanted not too long ago. I miss park walks, ice cream trucks,Library shushes, and puddles at the tennis courts. Sadly, I miss a lot. These memories never go away.

OH and, I think my moms considering the transfer back into westlake after spring break! I hope this fixes all these distractions , and helps me focus, because if not then I don't know what will.



I've been sober for about a month, no marijuanna, or anything. I think I can quit it for good. Actually, I know I can. Even if I don't have complete support from everyone around me.