nothing is coming together.

god damnit

i have

lost my voice. i'm not happy.

i miss summer vacation, with my three best friends who were just as gross and sarcastic as me. i know i know i know all my 'good frends' and boyfriend hated them, along with everyone else but i was in love with them.
I need to whine about my slow days and jealous ways. I wish it didnt end that way.

my boyfriend, you baby, make me want to feel pretty. this sucks.
I am in love. i am in love

i miss my mother, my father, my shishters, and my weed. god cmon.
im ungrounded in a weeek!

I'm Still Here.

" I think there are two ways you can see the world. You either see the sadness that's behind everything or you choose to keep it all out. "

and thats how i feel this week, this month, this lifetime. i always took choice A and i am so incredibly tired of being so fricken sad all the time. But it covers my eyes and its all i can see. its all i could see for as long as i can remember.

It covers my eyes. It's all I can see.

"Accept the way god does things, for who can straighten what he has made crooked? Enjoy prosperity while you still can, but when hard times strike, realize that both come from God. Remember that nothing is certain in this life." -Ecclesiastes 7:13-14

now I know why my mom hated that so much

god im sorry, believe me already.

i'm tired of everyone around me. i hate you, and you and you.
i miss my old anti social friends. i hate swimming in hate alone, actually its more like drowning.

i keep getting jealous at the attention you get,
and i realize it shouldnt be like that. like this.
i dont know whats wrong or if i should fix it.


ps
you make me want to hang myself with all your lies.

joyful air

This week is dedicated entirely to my strength. I truly am blessed. I know I keep repeating it, but I can't stop screaming the truth. I want to tell the whole world; I want to tell the entire human race that I am the strongest person I know, you know, he knows, she knows, etc.
Enough of this constant 'dwelling' on someone who doesn't understand the difference between a 7th grade girls attitude and an 11th grade boys 'over it' attitude. Ill pray for the bitch, but no promises for the fools.
I almost lost the best thing that's ever happened to me since jesus christ the other day. Luckily he feels the same way I do and I wouldn't have it any other way. I just may have been wrong before. Maybe I really do 'love' him. He's everything I need right now to complete what's all goin good.

Dear Baby,
You truly are perfect. I'm so glad I found you. At night I go to sleep satisfied; I found exactly what everyone around me is searching for. I don't have to run around in circles like a chicken without a head anymore. I have exactly what I want. Your exactly what I want. I love you. I Love you. I love you.

I couldn't be any happier in this area.
Now lets work on the rest.

bad habits die hard

this isn't as easy as I thought.

If I had a secret admirer it would make my life so much more exciting. Well technically there is a possibility that I have one but don't know it because it is a 'secret' admirer. oh so, I really am this stupid...

I'm really starting to hate everyone. it's becoming a problem, and THEY as a whole don't even know it. I'm so good at lying it burns. I guess its just a taste of what's to come.

I'm starting to repeat the phrase 'I wish' in all of my sentences. "I wish I didn't mess that up." "I wish I didn't mess him up." "I wish my mom really knew how much I love her." "I wish he knew how I really felt." I wish I wish I wish blah blah blankety blank BlaNk BLANK. This blog fills me with sorrow, along with anyone else who takes the time to paste that url into their address bars. I read over all of the cold harmless words I've written over the past and realize that I am indeed one of the most demented humanbeings I know. And let me tell you, I know many demented human beings. Maybe I'm just seeing things again.

Dear God,
I am tired. So so tired. Why can't I get a good nap, a well nights rest, etc.? Why won't you just let me be on YOUR side? Why can't I just be let into your frat without the initiation trial? Cut me some slack. My entire life has been an initiation for yours sake. I can't stay in this place. I can't stand when this room turns around on my faith. I can't stay too long. Wait, Am I feeling 'sorry for myself' again? And I've come to the conclusion to lay the blame on 'love'. 'GODS LOVE' (haha) everytime I hear that phrase I smirk, giggle, or worse roll on the floor with laughter. I can't help but question your existance or your humor. What kind of humor do you possess, because its definately not easy practical joke puppies in the basket kind. Its waaay too dark for something 'jesus christ' could conjure up. Nobody knows.

Sincerely,
Your long lost


My bones wish to escape
And run along an alien expance
To collapse from the heat
In a cartoonish heap
To sleep oh to sleep
Won't you come to comfort me?

I can't forget the ghost
I can't forget the ghost
I can't forget the ghost
Of his smile
If you give me
Just a little smile

Sometimes days go speeding past
Sometimes this one seems like the last

P.S.
Here's to all the pretty girls your going to meet.

sunshine sunshine

Please don't take my sunshine away

Its been wierd lately. I keep on displeasing everyone around me. The ones I try my best to please end up dissapointed in me, and the ones I could care less about pleasing are the ones who bow down in approvement. Is this some sort of practical joke from the heavenly father himself? Or some love and affection from satan? I am getting mixed feelings lately. Very mixed feelings.

Well I got caught smoking marijuana by jess's ma and let me tell you that its not as pleasent as it sounds. I actually kinda felt bad, for opening her eyes to how un-innocent jess has become. I hope she doesn't think I'm the only corrupting influence in her life. I mean, there's a good chance that's exactly what she thinks. So long story short...me and jess are grounded for a bit until I can prove I'm trying my best to be a demon and not satan himself.

UUHHMM
Me and him are doing okay. For a second it was better, then it worse, and now its just alright. I like him a lot I really do, but its not so easy when he makes me feel like I'm the worst possible human being to have a relationship with. Wich may be true but he shouldn't be acknowledging it this far in. I'm confused as to when I should draw a conclusion. Wether it be positive for negative. His grandma obviously hopes its negative...

My mother is making an effort. I can feel it. I'm not alloud to see it but I can feel it and hear it in the sencerity. I love her wether you him or her think its the worst. I can't bring myself to hate who ill most likely be in 20 years. (If I last that long.) I can't even begin to describe how thankful I am for that. Most people would kill to end up the opposite. I know I'm dying to be exactly the same.

I guess we're going to church tomarrow, (or technically today) says tina....we'll see how that goes. I can't wait for evan to be a piece of shit in front of people who take this 100% seriously. And jessica to be and athiestic cunt of a daughter. This is like a late birthday present!

Things I've given up 2008:
Him
Marijuana
Shitty books
Identity
Stuck up children over the conejo grade
Crush's
Television
Relationships with parents
Sexual intercourse at the worst time
Shady 'friends'
Trying so hard to hate music
Enjoying peoples horrible humor
Criticism
Critical people
Toleranc for both/all of the above.
Getting along with anyone I know I shouldn't like.

sunshine sunshine

Please don't take my sunshine away

Its been wierd lately. I keep on displeasing everyone around me. The ones I try my best to please end up dissapointed in me, and the ones I could care less about pleasing are the ones who bow down in approvement. Is this some sort of practical joke from the heavenly father himself? Or some love and affection from satan? I am getting mixed feelings lately. Very mixed feelings.

Well I got caught smoking marijuana by jess's ma and let me tell you that its not as pleasent as it sounds. I actually kinda felt bad, for opening her eyes to how un-innocent jess has become. I hope she doesn't think I'm the only corrupting influence in her life. I mean, there's a good chance that's exactly what she thinks. So long story short...me and jess are grounded for a bit until I can prove I'm trying my best to be a demon and not satan himself.

UUHHMM
Me and him are doing okay. For a second it was better, then it worse, and now its just alright. I like him a lot I really do, but its not so easy when he makes me feel like I'm the worst possible human being to have a relationship with. Wich may be true but he shouldn't be acknowledging it this far in. I'm confused as to when I should draw a conclusion. Wether it be positive for negative. His grandma obviously hopes its negative...

My mother is making an effort. I can feel it. I'm not alloud to see it but I can feel it and hear it in the sencerity. I love her wether you him or her think its the worst. I can't bring myself to hate who ill most likely be in 20 years. (If I last that long.) I can't even begin to describe how thankful I am for that. Most people would kill to end up the opposite. I know I'm dying to be exactly the same.

I guess we're going to church tomarrow, (or technically today) says tina....we'll see how that goes. I can't wait for evan to be a piece of shit in front of people who take this 100% seriously. And jessica to be and athiestic cunt of a daughter. This is like a late birthday present!

Things I've given up 2008:
Him
Marijuana
Shitty books
Identity
Stuck up children over the conejo grade
Crush's
Television
Relationships with parents
Sexual intercourse at the worst time
Shady 'friends'
Trying so hard to hate music
Enjoying peoples horrible humor
Criticism
Critical people
Toleranc for both/all of the above.
Getting along with anyone I know I shouldn't like.

nothing has changed all over again

"Only love can break your heart, and if your world should fall apart..."

I have no idea where we are going.
I cant seem to make up my mind.
PLEASE GIVE ME MORE REASONS WHY.
I waste so much time when i stop to think about it.

School is so slow. god so slow.
I would kill for something new.
I feel like i know too many people,
or let me rephrase that people who think they know me.
I miss the actually people i opened up to in the first place.
The persmission is the best part.

I am so sorry if it seems im distant.
I should probably not try so hard to be a terrible friend, or person.
I don't want to end up alone, i swear i dont.
I miss you like you can't imagine.
This kind of distance can't even be found in the stories we read or movies we see
I mean, it doesn't feel like it can. Not from where I am.
I'm all alone, at last. I'm all alone, at last.


I often miss this little girl
whose dreams had no barriers...
who believed in a world
where anything is possible
with a heart that was full and unbroken

I can't hold onto this.
I haven't seen you for a number of months.
I know I said those words
I know they sounded like the truth
I just want to say I'm sorry. I'm Sorry.
I miss you, I don't care if im not number one right now.
Someday someday soon. That's alright.

p.s.
you aren't being punished, you just haven't been rewarded yet.

the long post

I've always wanted to.
*************************************

I think there's something going on behind my back. Like the truman show ya know? I feel like when I turn around the sets bound to be there with audience, directors and annoying family members you only see on the good christmas dinners.
I am so tired of trying to figure it all out. The sleep doesn't come to easy when I'm trying to figure it all out. I just want to sleep. I'm taking everything in though. Learning, coping just being the classic person who wants to learn stuff person that I am. I sound so crazy right now................................
.
..
...
....
......
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.....................
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In the beginning I didn't know you. I didn't want to know you. I was just guessing you were a no no, progressively you proved me wrong I am haunted; "You dont get to choose you just fall in love and you get this person who is all wrong and all right at the same time. And you know you love them so much except sometimes they just drive you completely insane and no one can explain it. And the reason its so confusing is because it's love, but if love didn't have any challenges what would be the point?" I am tired of force eating that bull shit. Sure it was fun, but I forgot you once, I can easily do it again. You are no longer a part of my "how's he/she doing" concern list. Goodbye.

P.S.
I really hoped we'd make it.
_______________________________

^^I guess not as crazy as I sounded before^^
What kind of a lullaby is a screaming gang of expectations ready to scratch at you as soon as the lights go out? I keep asking you jaysus dog but I get nothing but dark circles and more 'forward' sacks for bedtime aids. If this is some stunt to bring me below just remember i'll see you there soon too.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
This isn't fair; I think people need to be educated to the fact that marijuana is not a drug. Marijuana is an herb and a flower. God put it here. If He put it here and He wants it to grow, what gives the government the right to say that God is wrong?
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

I have got so many many bad qualities right? But what about the good ones? There has to be some reason why you still try to read my lips.
With tears from me, return to me, Return to me, my love. I miss your support. Wether it was considered negative or not. I miss you. I really do. Return to the clouds, return in the caves, return all around me. I won't forget this or that. With nobody in your bed the nights hard to get through.
₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪
Sunshine and Roses baby, its all good , its Golden!
₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪

I have not found to be what youd expect of me. summer has come and summer has gone. Found new friends who are tight on the ends. Its freezing on the coldest winter I'm destined to have. suttlely and simply put I am in for a 'rough one'.

Dear God, Its getting kind of lonely down here. Why can't I find you? Why can't I FIND you? Why can't I find YOU?...
I gotta find you...

Maybe this post wasn't so long afterall.

at the wake

Things seem easier lately. Simple rules, simple regulations, simple judgement.
I've been losing everything, but now-right now it seems as though I'm winning completely. I have a new 'family' and things couldn't be any better. I can feel the creeks already...

Me and Him are always the same. There is no good nor bad when it comes to us. Its an all time Okay. I feel like this is my average stance. This is where I belong. Averagely happy, averagly content. I wanted something else of course but I have to cope with what I can get right? I'm not making any sense. I have one question. One question to determine wich road I fall upon. That question is:
Should there be a second chance?

I'm sure we all have had that answer nestled between some faint memory we hate but hold dear in our brains for a very long time now. it isn't too late but even I know its a huge mistake.

Its too late

enough

no one is watching

I am free at last, wich somehow turns into a paradox.

 can breathe but I keep filling my eyes with tears. I miss everything I already have. What's wrong with me? 

Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you
It's the wrong time
For somebody new
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse

its been awhile

but i have come to update because i have no life anyways.

im an orphan sorta, but im grateful for the good friends i have. seriously though , i appreciate you guys for putting up with all my shit. i instigate but you still love me, and i cant even begin to describe the amount of gratitude i have. especially jess. normally i dont name drop but she deserves it.

anyway, schools on and going but its not exactly how i imagined it. me and him are still pullin along, but i always miss him
i know i know i know i know

somehow i thought this would be better.

good golly miss molly

I think I am moving I think I am moving I think I am moving.

What the fuck? I don't want to move. My friends are more mad at her than I am.
Its not that its a huge deal to move, but to break it to everyone around me. The people I have found my way back with. I love them so much and this sucks, this fucking sucks.

I guess my old "who's ever had a trial without a blessing" moto is going to come in handy.

delicate

I can just sit back and enjoy the rest of the summer. Its not true, you CAN have too much of a good thing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Way to go mother mama for providing me with a bond finally. We got in. Its like all those eggshells dissapeared, never happened. I'm just finally happy.
Entirely happy, because I came to a realization that we, ourselves create our own unhappiness. The only true purpose of suffering is to help us understand we are the ones who cause it. We need stability! And I will chew off all my fingernails to prove it.

I got along without you before I met you and I'll get along without you a long time after you're gone.

curses

The winds of change are always blowing
And every time I try to stay the winds of change continue blowing And they just carry me away.

I am tired, but in the best way possible.
One month and two days. We can make it.

I wanna hear what you have to say about me

Hear if you're gonna live without me
I wanna hear what you want
I remember last september
And I wanna hear what you have to say about me
Hear if you're gonna live without me
I wanna hear what you want
What the hell do you want?

I have no idea what we're doing. I have no idea why he said that. What am I supposed to say to half of the things god throws at me? I trust my father, but its almost like he's fucking with me a little too much. You can pray and pray but if you don't actually believe, it'll never work. That's why I'm saving it for when I actually find my heart.


WHERE THE FUCK DID SUMMER GO??!

I went to a party with jess tonight (or last night if you want to get real techinical) And so I say once again, I will get my kicks while I'm still young. High, dry, sober, hungover I will get those kicks and live it up.

I probably shouldnt be telling you this, but no matter what you do to me, I’m still here. For some crazy reason I’ll stick around through the bad times & the fights. I’ll make up excuses for why you didn't call, why you never cared. I’ll keep coming back for more even when you push me away. I think I’m just staying around so that one day when I finally do leave for good, you'll look back & say "wow, that girl really did love me.
WHY ARE YOU IN MY MIND? YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE LONG GONE.

Speaking of long gone, I just want to say that you need to feel bad and pray for me because my moms a heroin addict, my sister hates me and I was molested as a child. Now copy and paste that and send them in a comment to allllll of your friends. PUBLICLY ON MYSPACE.COM please!!!!! I would really appreciate it.

I'm so glad I got them back. I'm so glad hailey is going to try, and that my prayers have all been answered. THINGZ IZ GOOD!

the ride home

I stand there and I wonder what I'm doing. I wonder what I should do. And I don't know, I don't know I don't know what to do. I don't know wether to take or to hold. To stay or walk away. And I think that is it- that is everything. Do what I want, be honest to myself and then it would do good for others, that's all, full on.

Once time is lit, it will burn. Wether or not either of us is breathing it in. Even after smoke becomes air there is the memory of the smoke. Katy conti I hate to lose you. Hate to lose you so much. Keep praying for me as I am praying for you. And I want the letter, so I'd like it if you kept writing too. I love you.

I am a danger, and yet you hold me.
I really like you, and this eats away at watever I have left day after day. When is the right time? Tell me, because I'm obviously blind.

your heats not as broken as you think

Dear Hailey,
I know you probably won't read this, chances are appalingace.blogspot.com isn't number1 on your list of priorities but you've been on my mind and prayers a lot lately, and I want to get this out.

The answer is to just let go
The betrayel is to the past
The cocoon dangels empty
The desire outlasts the object
The effort lingers
The frustration is in how pointless the effort was
The ghost does not make itself transperant
The heart knows nothing except its own mind
The ideas are not enough
The jealousy is always there
The killing blow is sometimes the softest
The life you lead can be detoured
The moment you know cannot be taken back
The new you will try to bury the old me
The oppurtunity has passed
The past is inopportune
The questions all grown from why
The reality will always be contended
The sadness will ebb
The trouble is the time it might take

So while you ponder in the darkness you'll eventually realize your not alone. You'll realize you never really were alone. You just subtracted us all one by one for a quick pit stop, that's all. Because I can create an excuse for you. (Only If you want me to.) The ugly words cannot be erased, only discredited. I'm telling you this in the only way I know how. I hope it came out as an act of love. Because truth is: I DO REALLY LOVE YOU.


P.S.
See, he is not worth it.
See, he never loved you.
See, there is no going back.
See, for us please see for me.

what if

I quit being a pot smoking sarcastic bitch and started being a nice classy homework doing good girl? It makes me wonder if then will they (you all) be happy. It's a repressive society where you can't be horrible, I'm not horrible, they made me horrible, I'm just honest.

I can't keep seeing him like this. I can't keep arguing and hurting him like this. I'm trying not to. I finally found this person who is all wrong and all right at the same time. He drives me completely insane and none of his friends know why he deals with me. (My unstability and bitchy moodswings.) They just know that he wants to see me whenever I'm not there. And its confusing. And the reason why its so confusing is because maybe we found someone to put that missing piece into our day to day things. The piece we've been praying for. Its love. It may not be 'in love', but it sure is love. And though he never believes me its the only good thing going for me right now.

I can write and write, and I still get no answers from the supposed handful of you who read this.

I'm driven. I am. I'm driven for some reason. But I don't know where I'm going.

Its not easy sometimes its not. I found my faith and I'm going to hold onto it. (Thanks to bobby).

He, me and him, us...won't last much longer. You both got your wish.

It's no good being nice and young and naive. There's no good in that at all. You've got to do it all yourself, and you've gotta learn quick. And you can't look for sympathy either.

I don't mean to be a diva,

but some days you wake up and you're Barbara Streisand.

I am so fucking confused. I should tell him, but I've never been one to do "the right thing".
I want my old friends back. I don't want friends who constantly make me feel like I can lose them in one mistake anymore.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAYLA <3

It will work if you try.

If you really want her to stick around, don't ever let her feel unimportant. At this point I'm satisfied being a lesson to others.
Will you wait for me?
_________________________

katy is home, we are all back to normal. Whining and bitching about us still being where we are. I can't help but hate how hailey is so sad, and I can never ever do anything to help. Ever. I just wish patrick never existed.
I have been both praised and criticized. The criticism stung, but the praise sometimes bothered me even more. I don't know why I have friends at all. And I think about this all the time.

you fake just like a woman

I am going to make things easier and take everything on the opposite side into consideration. I am going to make everyone smile, including me From here on out. Katy is almost home!!!

He worries too much.

my rant

I need to figure out how to control this...('this' being a feeling I cannot name or describe in simple terms.)

Everytime she screams or says anything I want to eliminate myself from existance. I want to go away. I'm depressed year sure, but I don't want to be. I'm fun to be around I'm a real fucking blast to conversate with but why the fuck am I so unhappy around those people. its eating at me. I want to die. I want to die. And that's all I can reply with. I'm grounded for absolutely no reason, and its summer vacation. Summer fucking vacation and I'm grounded. Its getting so difficult to even wake up. I am so confused and upset all the time. I'm dissapointed in everything I do. I'm so pathetic. I can't even kill myself the correct way. I just left a horrible taste in my horrrible mouth. I'm fucking stuck, stuck whining at the people I really do love. That keep me going.

I want out, and I want her to fall and crumble and know she eats at me more than she will ever know. I want her to know what its like to read these books that make you want to chew your hands off. I wish I could hate sometimes. Where is god right now? I lost him.

that below

Was a mistake....I need to get my shit together.

As human beings, we need to know that we are not alone, that we are not crazy or completely out of our minds, that there are other people out there who feel as we do, live as we do, love as we do, who are like us. I have not found something that makes me feel that way for longer than an hour. I have not developed faith. I have not developed hope. I am stuck. I am miserable. You cannot even begin to imagine. I have everything I need except for that satisfactory sigh of relief at the end of the day. Goodbye. I tried. See you in hell.

I got it

I hate what you did. You fucked it up for the both of us.

here it goes

This month has been hell without katy conti, and I am admitting that I blame all the hurt I've endured this past month on katy contis father for taking the best thing that has happened to me this summer away to someplace far far away without nothing but myspace.com to hold us together. Me hayley and hailey are just tryna keep sane til' saturday. I still don't think I can make it.
Me and boy talked, we said all we could say about it. It has to work. I'm frustrated, discouraged and everything else in between.

God you should speak now ...

were so trendy we can't even escape ourselves

She makes me smile, I just wish I could lead her into a direction that doesn't involve leaping directly off a cliff.
I want to hear her say that she'd rather be hated for who she is, than loved for who she isn't. I guess in a sense she does say that by even giving me the time of day. (Or half of the others) This drives me insane. I will wait.

hearing the words "I never get sick of you" over and over again. This is my problem.
I have many problems. My biggest being busy acting like I've seen it all, like I've been there first. No one likes someone who's naive and in denial at the same time. Its hard being hellen keller sometimes.

You say you can save me, but this isn't working. I'm sinking but sinking never felt so right.

shut off the light

i have never felt more alive in one summer let alone my lifetime, thank god.

I've come to an understanding

it's the people you are close to, the ones who love you, the ones who have seen your heart, who have touched your soul- to them, it is obvious that something is wrong or missing. your heart and soul are missing. they feel it. it hurts them. it kills them. SO I have come to the conclusion to smile, open my eyes, love and go on.

Even though I'm sick of hearing the downside to being a friend of mine I'm trying to hold on instead of just sticking with the three most like me. Hayley, Katy, and Hailey (oooo name drop....).


P.S.

My plans for the future:
be a superstar musician, kill myself and go out in a flame of glory, just ike Jimi Hendrix

running in circles

Sometimes I wish I could walk around with a HANDLE WITH CARE sign stuck to my forehead. Sometimes I wish that there were a way to let people know that just because I live in a world without rules, and in a life that is lawless, doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt so bad the morning after. Sometimes I think that I was forced to withdraw into depression because it was the only rightful protest I could throw in the face of a world that said it was alright for people to come and go as they please, that there were simply no real obligations left.

"I am not read well, but when I do read, I read well."

He caught me off gaurd. I'm trying not to fall too soon.

 I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am barely sixteen and I am already exhausted.
 
And Im starting to think there really is no cure for depression, that happiness is an ongoing battle, and I wonder if it isn't one I'll have to fight for as long as I live. I wonder if it's worth it.

I'm sad I'm sad I'm sad I'm sad I'm sad

if I had a nickle...

Please, Keep looking past me.
You know I wish I could help. I want to help, but I don't need to. I shouldn't have to. Its one of those mondays.

"My generation's apathy. I'm disgusted with it. I'm disgusted with my own apathy too, for being spineless and not always standing up against racism, sexism and all those other -isms the counterculture has been whinning about for years."


I like him. I like him. I like him. I will repeat that until it sticks. Nailed. Bolted. In my brain.

I KNEW I WOULDN'T GET A SURPRISE PARTY.

the way you play the game is crazy

you don't have to say you're sorry, you don't owe me anything. sometimes it seems like I've got all the answers
but the answers aren't the same when the questions keep on changing,like how will I react when I see my mother crying every single day 'cause she is afraid of dying?
and how will I contain my anger when Delila plays Unchained Melody instead of Lost In Your Eyes? and where will I go where I can feel safe when my family sells its place and we all split up and move away?

I'm trying to be brave
'cause when I'm brave
other people feel brave
but I feel like my heart is caving in

take this job and shove it, Adios I'm a ghost.

Fall in love with me.

a huge slap in the face.

For a second there I was convinced that this summer was going to be filled with failure. Failed friendships, failed relationships, and failed potential. I was wrong. Sometimes I just feel so lucky.

I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him.
I want him I want him I want him.
What the fuck am I doing?

sad excuse

you're so nice and you're so smart.

you're such a good friend i have to break your heart.

tell you that i love you then i'll tear your world apart.

just pretend i didn't tear your world apart.


I'm not sure how its going right now.

nothing more

I'm not leaving for texas this summer. My dad currently thinks his fathering duties are minimal. I guess he's right.
I'm thinking about him too often, too much. I should be up to the point where he's nothing more than the secrets under my bed.

My sister told me to kill myself today. GOTTA LOVE HATRED from the one person who made it worthe it all. How do I not get to the point.

expectations;

We made plans to be unbreakable
Love was all we knew
No insurance for the unthinkable,
Blindly get us through.
We've been searching for a lifetime,
Short as it may seem.

Riding on the flames that spark us,
While igniting dreams

Mistakes we knew we were making.
Mistakes we knew we were making.

I'm confused as to why I'm sick.
I keep having these vivid dreams, and they don't make any sense. They never make any sense. I'm trying to piece them together but its like they refuse to fit. It may be a reflection on how I feel about him or him. Or everything in between. although they aren't nightmares I wake up with tears, endless tears. I have many worries and all these 'mistakes' are racking up some serious hate. I think what I need is to spend a day at the park in the grass, developing hives, and picnic.
I love my Friends, even if they aren't convinced that I do. They've been through this before. My headache is eating at my already shrivled brain. I just want school to start. Sitting at home reviewing who I can and can't see is getting too tiring. Summer always leaves this gap, and I'm just so happy to know that ill be able to see this sunshine while I'm living. I'm not so sure my future family will.

Its always cut short. You won't go away, and I keep thinking about you, thinking, thinking, thinking and I'm just stuck being the 'sinking ship'. I hope your happy with yourself.

I have never felt so revolting in my life more than I have these past two weeks.
I continiously make mistakes that reflect negativly off of my relationship with god, and don't get me wrong some are fun but others are down right scum worthy. I made the mistake of almost letting my last piece of morality slip and I feel like I am the worst human being alive.

But on a brighter note, I have decided to end my whiny depressing blogspot posts. They make me sound really annoying and I usually don't let off that impression. (Colleen may be reading this and laughing or smirking(what a bitch))(yes, that was a parenthesis in a parenthesis.....) I am not going to let off some sunshine and kittens attitude. It is summer I am leaving for texas this sunday. Well, supposed to be leaving. I am working on my list for every trait I want in a boy/future husband. Starting with: godly, and reliable. :)

(Song of solomon 7:9-12, thanks identity!)

I realize that I let off the impression that I am a small child. I still plan my future wedding and am going to start praying for my future husband starting now. Hayley rogers should probably do the same......

Pray for my possi attitude in future posts.

I realized that if I was going to be wise, then I need to love correction (Pr 12:1)

the day has just began and I cannot shut my eyes and sleep in peace. I think I'm going to pray that i'll find the inner strength I need for this to all just blow over and forget.
He really did hurt me by slowly but surely handing me the news that ruined every good intention I had with *him.
The only person I can trust right now isn't even visible. It all comes down to me trusting, and my judgement in probably the poorest out of us all.

I want to go now. I don't want to see anybody ever again and right now deep down I'm sad. I'm actually sad. I really do want the livin' to be easy, but everythings gotten so hard and unrealistic its starting to eat at all the sunshine I have left to hand out.
I don't even know what I'm doing or saying half the time, even if your reading this know that its not half as over dramatized as it sounds. (If it does at all) I am lost.

This is the time where I start to TRY, sadly my phase of 'fucking people over then having them fuck me over and bitch about it' has just begun. She needs help.

bits and pieces

Its been a rough few days.
Starting with july 4th and not ending. I know its only going to esculate. hate to say it but things can only get worse, and even my positivity and charming smile cannot fill the void.

I think I broke his heart. I didn't mean to but I did. I thought I really really wanted him, but he just isn't what I want right now. I want him now. he's different. Its wierd and I try to make it more than it ever will be but what the heck? I will only be this munipulative once.

My mom is filling me with so much anger and frustration, and I just wish she could learn to talk or even listen. Its not that she doesn't care, its just she doesn't know how to- how to do anything more than what she's doing now. Were not anymore stable than we were a month or two ago and its starting to really get to me again.
I guess you could say I've fallen for my reaccuring depression phase. As pathetic as it makes me sound to admit that I guess it had to be said.

My friends, I guess I can't really figure out wich ones actually 'exist'. I need to jump back on the faith bandwagon, because this whole "life is a party" attitude is just way too easy. I know there's a gnarly catch, and I don't want to end up having to endure it. Bits and pieces keep falling out of my mouth. I scare small children and parents don't want me around there kids. What is left? What's next for me?

Oh, and I ruined tyler orears birthday party, and I don't feel bad. Not one bit. I just don't like you, any of you. Its time for someone to grow up, or maybe we all do. I'm just the only one who admits that I want to.

fireworks

I'm starting to believe everything everyone says. Its not vulnerability its way more pathetic than that......I feel discouraged with the future and what's in store. If there even is either. I shouldn't worry but I do.

I feel bad for him and him and her and him. I'm not accomplishing anything when I sit back and watch, but I won't fall again. I'm still here wishing and praying like I'm mother teresa herself. I don't need to care, but I do.

I should have given him a reason to stay the last time. I look back on all of them and know that they are all I have to show for watever effort I set fourth. I am sad today. This won't be forever. Promise.



Pray for comfort.

you were born original, don't die a copy.

I'm not always sad I'm really not. I don't even really like to whine. I guess I'm just kinda spoiled in a wierd way. Not exactly matierals and what not but with opportunity. That sounds stupid but I've been thinking about it a lot lately.
--------------------------------------
I didn't know I loved him until I found myself in the middle of it. Concern wasn't something I'd ever really though about before. Now all I can do is be concerned about him, and hope he cares. I hope he knows I care. I'm afraid to say it.

Its almost like the more I neglect the better I feel about how I'm living. I know its not right.

its like

Everyone I know is saying the same things, and I don't care. I don't feel comfortable where I am anymore. Everyone I associate with seems to lie with more compassion and less and less remorse. I've been wasting my time trying to find friends that are worthe it when they were right in front of my eyes all along. I made a huge mistake. I make mistakes, but I enjoy mistakes more than I should.

Summer is going by slow. Summer shouldn't be slow. I haven't written I haven't thought of anything more than what's going down the next day. I want more than this, but I have plenty of time to waste.

My family is fucked, and my friends even more. I'd hate to see what happens next for either. My birthdays coming up. I don't have much on my list. I getta go to papas house. Far far away.

My secrets now lie under my bed.

Schools almost out and I couldn't be happier. This year was good to say the least. I made new friends and lost the old. I guess things always change when you don't want them to.

boys are always on my mind. These hormones are unbearable. I wish god didn't punish us with things like this. But who's ever had a trial without a blessing to follow it? Anyway, I have given up on him and no longer intend on caring o' so much on his descions and rather focus upon mine. Its not like I will prosper from him at all.

I don't want friends anymore. The more I don't want the more I get. Its ridiculous. Everyone around mes so generic and cold. I feel older. I don't want to be like the generation before mine, because I already hate mine.

Pray for my faith. I need all I can get and a push into that direction.

I've been observing it all lately.
Enjoying the prescence's of people I never waste time to notice. I've been selfish for too long. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Schools on the sinking ship, we're going down slowly, but not slow enough. I'm losing patience with everyone I have to usually deal with but I'm trying.

I want to write again. I want to share words with everyone around me and not sound so mixed up. I just wish inspiration came easily to me. I'm not an artist.

I like him more and more each and everytime we speak. I wish you found the switch of positive light that I've been blessed to always have the option of. He doesn't understand the mistakes he's making now, and I don't know how to wake him up. This hurts not just him, but me as well.

My relationship with christ is slipping, but slowly. I'm grasping it as closely as I always have, but my neglect on studying faith in itself is poor.

My family is small now. I like it this way.
I feel the love. Its warm. I beggining to enjoy every second I'm on this planet. I wish everyone did. I wish we could all quit worrying and just enjoy what it is we have here. And trust in god.

I'm so scattered I can't possibly be an interest anymore.

it feels as if..

I can look at my life from the outside and be satisfied. Stability may not be a strength for me but integrity is a shoe in. I love every second of my time here. Taking it for granted is like a giant slap in the face to god, and I would never ever want to do that.

My faith is finding its way back.
My family is still as dense as we were before. My mom is getting it. And Me,myself am getting it. Pray always.

It seems as if everythings showing extreme potential. Its beautiful. I feel like the old alissa is back along with some of the new.

School should probably be shoved up ahead of watever else I'm putting before it besides god, but its not. Just yet.

My mother and I are getting better than I have seen since I was a child. I see awe when she shoots a glance at me. Its genuine love. I enjoy every second.

Bottom line, things are lookin' up!
Pray for this to continue.

I found that light of energy I needed, and it feels fantastic to be where I was before.

I'm picking up where I left off.
My faith still feels so far off.

hsdjak.,k01829s,

excuse my pessimism but...

I have never in my life felt a feeling like this before. (I guess its more of an emotion) These past few days have sucked. I no longer feel like I did before about anything. Nothings really the same. I don't feel up to interacting, or even standing. My insomnia has caused the hallusinations to start up again. I have no clue what's real anymore. School isn't working out. I don't feel up to hearing voices, and laughter. My list of priorities don't even exist anymore.

My moms being patient, but sooner or later we'll all be under that wave. I'm afraid. I'm afraid I won't get it back.

I'm exhausted.

home.

I guess this isn't so far up on my list anymore either.

These past 13 days have been long and hard. I don't understand much anymore. I guess I'm back to my whiny stage until I get the answer. I'm missing parts of myself. I think I somehow left my faith behind. All those pased hallways, and medication lines must have whiped it out. I'm sure ill get it back, but I understand that I need to find it before it's too late.

All I'm sure of is that I need to get out of here. I need to sleep. My insomnia is getting worse, and my eyes are completely strained.

Pray that I find It. All of it.

Most things are coming together, and like always I'm only focusing on the things that are not.

I'm practicly begging god to let me be. let me be at peace. I do realize that its up to me to do what I have to do. It's up to me to choose my reactions, strengths, weakness's, desires and so on, but I'm constantly mixing up what the pros are to this beautiful ongoing relationship with him. I just don't understand most of the time. Oh, but i am trying. I truly am.

My mother is slowly but surely, and my aunt is still short tempered with her.
My grandma and I haven't spoken in what feels like months. I know if i really cared about her, i'd call regardless of the quiet small talk we do, but I hurt. My sister is so confused. I can't even tell if I'm the one who is worse off this time around. She doesnt speak up much, and even I being her twin and all can't read what she's silently saying. It makes me want to scream.

I feel like my faiths falling apart. You see, I recognize I'm one of the lucky ones who notice it rather then just completely falling apart, and yet I still sit here, and whine. I don't even try to save it. Pathetic, but At least I realize that I need God, and that it is the right thing. It's not just a bunch of judgmental nose up in the air people singing to an imaginary god. I know it's real, but I can't seem to find what is lost. That spot.

I look around, and see all these kids, left and right so proud that they believe in nothing. That they are thier own god, and it makes me sick. when did this happen? We live in a world of people who dare deny the truth or even say that they only believe in him when they need him. CMON! And god is nice enough to give them another day to change, and grow. Know.
That's me being close minded.

I've been blessed recently;
My real friends are amazing, and the boy area is getting there. I may not be hooking up with every sam and eric in the phone book, but I can assure you I am well off my friend.

pray for stability, and I could use a new brain!

Confusion.

I Want This
to End.

i'm losing faith, and i'm munipulating what seems like everyone around me without impulse.
I hope this is just a phase, because if it not then i have nothing to look forward to.

I feel like I haven't touched base with actual people in so long. Keeping myself in what I consider complete solitude is doing me no good. I need more.

I'm considering going back to a place that I never wanted to go back to. Sure, I loved the safe feeling, but its not just that. If I end up there, then I know that I can't hurt "them" anymore. I don't want to hurt them, nor do I hurt them intentionally. My family thinks I'm a joke. My friends, aren't friends. I don't know how to prove that I'm real, that I want and so desperately need change. I can't do this on my own, because I'm admitting that a person my age with my mentality cannot go through this without someones helpful hands pushing me along.

As for school, ill most likely go to westlake after spring break, and stay with my mother. Pray for the better. I know she needs support, but I can't support someone who's just a pile of nothing. Wich is a funny paradox. Her and I aren't so different, and I'm slowly realizing that. I need more time. I need time to go slower. I need time to never exist. I can dream.

My sister and I could not be more different, or alike. I feel like she's always out doing me somehow, as I am outdoing her in some other way. ill never understand how she gains no worry from those around her. Ill never understand why her eyes fill with such dispair yet still content at the same time. How she does what she does without any problems whatsoever. When will god allow me that? When will I allow myself that, because yes I know...its all up to me.

.....the show was alright. John speer was acting strange. I'd like to get to the very bottom of what's bothering him. Sometimes I think I'm in love with his words. His heart, and his ability to hold it all together. I admire so many of my friends for those same reasons. They give chances, and cut breaks. Unlike the rest of the world. But I guess if the rest of the world did that, then wed all be in a horrible slacking place.

Pray for some strength, and gods will to run it's course A.S.A.P!

Isn't it funny how things work out?

Mistakes. You never know when your going to make one. You always think you do, but you don't ever know for sure.
I hate mistakes.

Confidence in everything I do is going to take a lot. A lot of things that I don't have. Life is beautiful, yet I'm struggling to keep a grasp on that. It shouldn't be this hard.

I'm not enrolled in camarillo high anymore. I feel the wieght off, but I know it won't be for long. (Please excuse my constant implication of pessimism.) I know I have to go to school, and what not. But, I definatly don't want to go to school in the valley, and I'm fearing the outcome of the transfer to westlake. My best alternative is independent studies. And I'm not so sure that'll work out. Is it just me, or is nothing easy anymore?

Today was rough on us all. I had a test in like all my classes. I would have had homework, but I no longer have the obligation to care. (Yeah, I am rubbing that in your face) I wanted to rip out cynthias eyes she used to be my best friend, but all I hear from her mouthe now is constant jealousy, hurt. I can feel it, almost to the point of hate. I don't understand what I did. I don't understand why she doesn't realize her life doesn't have to be that way. It should be easier for her, for us.

When I count my blessings .....
I don't dare say what you say. I give thanks for more. Much much more. Rather than family, rather than friends, rather than money I give thanks for things like:
Nature, gods will, smiles, and imagination.
The ability to determine where I stand.
I like freedom, and its a real bust to know that it'll end soon enough.

No one speaks truthe like god does, and that is why I am trusting in him to do what he has to do in this situation. My friends, my family, my whole life . I realize there's billions of people on this planet, and god chooses to love me like I'm the only one. It feels like nothing I can explain through mere words. I just wish everyone knew sooner rather than later.

Brianna has me worried.
Grandma has me worried.
Mother has me worried.
You have my worried.
Worry is something I don't need.

Excuse these pessemistic words. If I put off that impression at all. I'm going through a tough time. have faith.

Pray for the ability to keep my head on straight, and to stay clean and faithful.

Things are going exceptionally good. School may not be where it should on my list of priorities, but god, and family are.

All my friends are starting to sound the same. They're not ready, and I'm not ready to waste time on belligelence. Be realistic.

I saw my mom yesterday. She's just as bad as when we left her. I don't care what you say drugs are A waste of time, and a key reason for the fall of humanity.
Brianna seems to be better. We're perfectly content with laura. Learning about god , and working on ourselves.

I'm worried about my grandma.
She's slowly slipping further and further away. Her health is questionable. I can't help but think I'm a little at fault, for watever it is that's going on.

On a bright note...
Spring break is in a few days. actually tomarrow. Tomarrow will be good.

I'm still looking for new hopeful friends.

This weekend was fantastic!

Friday brianna and I went over to colleens house, and watched some television, and a little bit of into the wild. Then we left for collision, wich was an amazing turn out. Tons of kids, and great bands. I'm so glad so many people helped out those african babies. Even people from camarillo went.

Saturday I enjoyed a day at lauras. We watched movies, and learned so much off the word of god. I enjoyed every second of that solitude. Hah

Today should be good. Church later, and then probably dinner. Or before that. I haven't showered in like two days, and everythings starting to come out of the wood work. I need to start focusing on school, but they don't know what I have to fix first. I need to get this in order first. Sometimes I think I'm just one of those kids. Those kids I ever so carelessly put down. The dropouts the failures. I don't know, maybe I'm just one of them.

I talked to my mom yesterday. She sounded like she did when I left her. I don't know if I can take hearing her for another day, yet another 2 or 3 years. She's unbearable. I don't know if my sister feels the same way, but I'm pretty sure she's about there.

These living arrangements are starting to get me confused, and I think I'm going to do Independent studies to catch up. I guess that's for the better. My "friends" probably won't see a difference anyway. I only have a few left. How long will it take till they're completely gone? I'm praying for stability, for change, and for me to help myself get out of this. Its so hard.

My faith is still strong. Pray for patience, strength, and stability. Even if this is vague just know I'm going through a lot.

Sup ZCAST!??!

Life really is the ultimate gift. God is so good. Even if people like zack castanon insist on the negative comments. For absolutely no reason.

ANYWHO,
Youth group at calvary honestly is a blessing. Identity has nothing on the love flow they have going on over there. Hopefully bobs reading this, and knowing that I appreciate him for inviting me to begin with. And, giving me a little reminder of how amazing god truly is. LOVE YA BRO. But n e ways, the lesson tonight was on the book ok James 2:14
"What good is it, my brothers if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him?"
I finally got the grasp on why judgement is such a waste. We are all the same at the foot of the cross.

Collision is tomarrow, and I am way way way excited. A bunch of bands raising money for a really good cause, and hayley air guitaring...can't get any better. I think it'll have a bigger turn out then we're going expecting.

School was good, not super fantastic, but good. I want to give up on spanish, and just do art. I want to send all the kids in my math class back to middle school, and I want to get rid of everyone who's not accepting my descions. I feel like I'm wasting so much of my time.

I am signing up for beginners ballet, and making good friends with people who do more than sit in a tiny bubbley bubble. I'm going to look for inspiration in all I do. I'm going to use symbolism more. And give back. I'm going to do this, and so much more. I AM.

I haven't talked to my mom. We're (brianna and I) with my aunt. Colleens brightening up! Brianna seems to have a grasp. And I'm still completely happy. believeing god will take care of this all, and will in the end be the best. Pray for me, and I will definately be praying for you.

Today was better than usual. Exit exams are ridiculous. The bright side to it, was being able to see mr.doyles beautiful face for 4 hours. LORD jesus! God bless that man <3333 hah.

_________

Lunch was wierd. It was our usual group sitting. And I felt really apart. Left out. I don't know, but this has been happening a lot lately. I don't know if my friends resent me for anything, although I can't think of any reasons why they would, but its a thought. Nevermind I lied. I know exactly why.

As you know I'm leaving camarillo high to transfer to westlake, and colleen is the most upset. And you also know that Colleen has become a really close friend, and I have the ability to tell her almost everything, and she's making it so hard to leave camarillo. I mean I know she's one of THOSE people. The people you want to keep. I know if we actually cared we'd stay in contact with eachother, but what if one of us cares more than the other?

Besides that I'm becoming more and more distant with cynthia, and everyone else in camarillo. I'm sorta glad. I've recently met vivian, from identity of course. She is really inspiring, and I admire a lot of the things she does. I hope her and I become close friends.

My moms getting better, and stronger. I hope she doesn't go back, and my aunts here to stay. My sisters still miserable, and completely confused. I haven't seen it get this good, or this bad. But I'm handing it all to god, and I know it'll turn out ok.

In need of inspiration, and strength. Pray for me. Please.

today was exactly what I needed.

I didn't go to school, so that means I didn't take my exit exam and I'm just so thankful that there is a make up day for it. Tomarrow ill be going, and hopefully have a clear head.

Besides that, So much has been going on, so much I can't talk about. I feel like this overwhelming feeling has worstened. My mom is getting worse, my doubts are coming back. My sister has never been this miserable. I'm trying my best to look on the bright side. I'm trying my best to get through highschool. I'm trying my best to be the best I can be. I can't help but cry out for help. I really need help. And its so hard for me even to admit this all.

I went to identity, and forgot about this all. I saw those happy people who are so in love with god , and just felt so warm. I know I'm not "family" or anything, but I loved it. The worship was a bust at the begining, but we all loosened up. Hayley, luke, and I had a talk, and I'm just so worried for everyone. I know I can't play mama though.

God is so good, and I'm glad other people notice. Especially teenagers these days. I appreciate identity, and aaron, and all those kids who aren't "too cool" to meet new people, but sadly I think I'm going to leave. I don't know for sure yet, but I don't like the cliques, and the judgement. I know their trying. I just don't see a complete change.

Also, lately I've been needing new people. New godly people who know what its like. If you know someone, or are that someone like that. Don't be afraid to talk to me. I want to listen, and talk!

Sorry this was so cut up , and probably meaningless to you.

Life is hard. It is way too hard.
Everythings begining to eat at me,
And I can't hold myself together. I can't .

God has blessed me with the eyes to witness so much, and I don't even want it. I don't want any of it. I don't think I can take this much longer, I am going to break. I can only count on one person, and that is jesus. I need all the prayer I can get.



And I guess, school today was fine. Boring, and useless, but fine. I went to worship/bible study with my aunt later, and that was fantastic of course. Gained a banana split! And tomarrow I have the exit exam. I'm not going, and I have no future.

Goodbye.

Let me just say:
This time change is tearing me apart.

This weekend has definately been the most boring weekend I've had in awhile. I didn't see comeback kid, I didn't hangout with friends. I sat , and ate, and sat some more. I feel like I waste so much of my life doing just that. Someday ill find some real adventurous friends. Friends who don't sit around and do the exact same thing.

I'm still trying to rid myself of this overwhelming feeling. I can't get rid of it. I had a panic attack today. Yeah, I'm thinkin what your thinkin'...I need help. I don't seem to know exactly what I need help with . School, friendship, faith, or just life? Its getting harder, and I wish god would take it easy. I mean I'm trying, your trying...isn't it enough?
These questions are never answered.

I feel like everyones moving away. Like we're all going in different directions, away from what we all thought we wanted not too long ago. I miss park walks, ice cream trucks,Library shushes, and puddles at the tennis courts. Sadly, I miss a lot. These memories never go away.

OH and, I think my moms considering the transfer back into westlake after spring break! I hope this fixes all these distractions , and helps me focus, because if not then I don't know what will.



I've been sober for about a month, no marijuanna, or anything. I think I can quit it for good. Actually, I know I can. Even if I don't have complete support from everyone around me.