good golly miss molly

I think I am moving I think I am moving I think I am moving.

What the fuck? I don't want to move. My friends are more mad at her than I am.
Its not that its a huge deal to move, but to break it to everyone around me. The people I have found my way back with. I love them so much and this sucks, this fucking sucks.

I guess my old "who's ever had a trial without a blessing" moto is going to come in handy.

delicate

I can just sit back and enjoy the rest of the summer. Its not true, you CAN have too much of a good thing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Way to go mother mama for providing me with a bond finally. We got in. Its like all those eggshells dissapeared, never happened. I'm just finally happy.
Entirely happy, because I came to a realization that we, ourselves create our own unhappiness. The only true purpose of suffering is to help us understand we are the ones who cause it. We need stability! And I will chew off all my fingernails to prove it.

I got along without you before I met you and I'll get along without you a long time after you're gone.

curses

The winds of change are always blowing
And every time I try to stay the winds of change continue blowing And they just carry me away.

I am tired, but in the best way possible.
One month and two days. We can make it.

I wanna hear what you have to say about me

Hear if you're gonna live without me
I wanna hear what you want
I remember last september
And I wanna hear what you have to say about me
Hear if you're gonna live without me
I wanna hear what you want
What the hell do you want?

I have no idea what we're doing. I have no idea why he said that. What am I supposed to say to half of the things god throws at me? I trust my father, but its almost like he's fucking with me a little too much. You can pray and pray but if you don't actually believe, it'll never work. That's why I'm saving it for when I actually find my heart.


WHERE THE FUCK DID SUMMER GO??!

I went to a party with jess tonight (or last night if you want to get real techinical) And so I say once again, I will get my kicks while I'm still young. High, dry, sober, hungover I will get those kicks and live it up.

I probably shouldnt be telling you this, but no matter what you do to me, I’m still here. For some crazy reason I’ll stick around through the bad times & the fights. I’ll make up excuses for why you didn't call, why you never cared. I’ll keep coming back for more even when you push me away. I think I’m just staying around so that one day when I finally do leave for good, you'll look back & say "wow, that girl really did love me.
WHY ARE YOU IN MY MIND? YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE LONG GONE.

Speaking of long gone, I just want to say that you need to feel bad and pray for me because my moms a heroin addict, my sister hates me and I was molested as a child. Now copy and paste that and send them in a comment to allllll of your friends. PUBLICLY ON MYSPACE.COM please!!!!! I would really appreciate it.

I'm so glad I got them back. I'm so glad hailey is going to try, and that my prayers have all been answered. THINGZ IZ GOOD!

the ride home

I stand there and I wonder what I'm doing. I wonder what I should do. And I don't know, I don't know I don't know what to do. I don't know wether to take or to hold. To stay or walk away. And I think that is it- that is everything. Do what I want, be honest to myself and then it would do good for others, that's all, full on.

Once time is lit, it will burn. Wether or not either of us is breathing it in. Even after smoke becomes air there is the memory of the smoke. Katy conti I hate to lose you. Hate to lose you so much. Keep praying for me as I am praying for you. And I want the letter, so I'd like it if you kept writing too. I love you.

I am a danger, and yet you hold me.
I really like you, and this eats away at watever I have left day after day. When is the right time? Tell me, because I'm obviously blind.

your heats not as broken as you think

Dear Hailey,
I know you probably won't read this, chances are appalingace.blogspot.com isn't number1 on your list of priorities but you've been on my mind and prayers a lot lately, and I want to get this out.

The answer is to just let go
The betrayel is to the past
The cocoon dangels empty
The desire outlasts the object
The effort lingers
The frustration is in how pointless the effort was
The ghost does not make itself transperant
The heart knows nothing except its own mind
The ideas are not enough
The jealousy is always there
The killing blow is sometimes the softest
The life you lead can be detoured
The moment you know cannot be taken back
The new you will try to bury the old me
The oppurtunity has passed
The past is inopportune
The questions all grown from why
The reality will always be contended
The sadness will ebb
The trouble is the time it might take

So while you ponder in the darkness you'll eventually realize your not alone. You'll realize you never really were alone. You just subtracted us all one by one for a quick pit stop, that's all. Because I can create an excuse for you. (Only If you want me to.) The ugly words cannot be erased, only discredited. I'm telling you this in the only way I know how. I hope it came out as an act of love. Because truth is: I DO REALLY LOVE YOU.


P.S.
See, he is not worth it.
See, he never loved you.
See, there is no going back.
See, for us please see for me.

what if

I quit being a pot smoking sarcastic bitch and started being a nice classy homework doing good girl? It makes me wonder if then will they (you all) be happy. It's a repressive society where you can't be horrible, I'm not horrible, they made me horrible, I'm just honest.

I can't keep seeing him like this. I can't keep arguing and hurting him like this. I'm trying not to. I finally found this person who is all wrong and all right at the same time. He drives me completely insane and none of his friends know why he deals with me. (My unstability and bitchy moodswings.) They just know that he wants to see me whenever I'm not there. And its confusing. And the reason why its so confusing is because maybe we found someone to put that missing piece into our day to day things. The piece we've been praying for. Its love. It may not be 'in love', but it sure is love. And though he never believes me its the only good thing going for me right now.

I can write and write, and I still get no answers from the supposed handful of you who read this.

I'm driven. I am. I'm driven for some reason. But I don't know where I'm going.

Its not easy sometimes its not. I found my faith and I'm going to hold onto it. (Thanks to bobby).

He, me and him, us...won't last much longer. You both got your wish.

It's no good being nice and young and naive. There's no good in that at all. You've got to do it all yourself, and you've gotta learn quick. And you can't look for sympathy either.

I don't mean to be a diva,

but some days you wake up and you're Barbara Streisand.

I am so fucking confused. I should tell him, but I've never been one to do "the right thing".
I want my old friends back. I don't want friends who constantly make me feel like I can lose them in one mistake anymore.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAYLA <3

It will work if you try.

If you really want her to stick around, don't ever let her feel unimportant. At this point I'm satisfied being a lesson to others.
Will you wait for me?
_________________________

katy is home, we are all back to normal. Whining and bitching about us still being where we are. I can't help but hate how hailey is so sad, and I can never ever do anything to help. Ever. I just wish patrick never existed.
I have been both praised and criticized. The criticism stung, but the praise sometimes bothered me even more. I don't know why I have friends at all. And I think about this all the time.

you fake just like a woman

I am going to make things easier and take everything on the opposite side into consideration. I am going to make everyone smile, including me From here on out. Katy is almost home!!!

He worries too much.

my rant

I need to figure out how to control this...('this' being a feeling I cannot name or describe in simple terms.)

Everytime she screams or says anything I want to eliminate myself from existance. I want to go away. I'm depressed year sure, but I don't want to be. I'm fun to be around I'm a real fucking blast to conversate with but why the fuck am I so unhappy around those people. its eating at me. I want to die. I want to die. And that's all I can reply with. I'm grounded for absolutely no reason, and its summer vacation. Summer fucking vacation and I'm grounded. Its getting so difficult to even wake up. I am so confused and upset all the time. I'm dissapointed in everything I do. I'm so pathetic. I can't even kill myself the correct way. I just left a horrible taste in my horrrible mouth. I'm fucking stuck, stuck whining at the people I really do love. That keep me going.

I want out, and I want her to fall and crumble and know she eats at me more than she will ever know. I want her to know what its like to read these books that make you want to chew your hands off. I wish I could hate sometimes. Where is god right now? I lost him.

that below

Was a mistake....I need to get my shit together.