my rant

I need to figure out how to control this...('this' being a feeling I cannot name or describe in simple terms.)

Everytime she screams or says anything I want to eliminate myself from existance. I want to go away. I'm depressed year sure, but I don't want to be. I'm fun to be around I'm a real fucking blast to conversate with but why the fuck am I so unhappy around those people. its eating at me. I want to die. I want to die. And that's all I can reply with. I'm grounded for absolutely no reason, and its summer vacation. Summer fucking vacation and I'm grounded. Its getting so difficult to even wake up. I am so confused and upset all the time. I'm dissapointed in everything I do. I'm so pathetic. I can't even kill myself the correct way. I just left a horrible taste in my horrrible mouth. I'm fucking stuck, stuck whining at the people I really do love. That keep me going.

I want out, and I want her to fall and crumble and know she eats at me more than she will ever know. I want her to know what its like to read these books that make you want to chew your hands off. I wish I could hate sometimes. Where is god right now? I lost him.