I feel like I haven't touched base with actual people in so long. Keeping myself in what I consider complete solitude is doing me no good. I need more.

I'm considering going back to a place that I never wanted to go back to. Sure, I loved the safe feeling, but its not just that. If I end up there, then I know that I can't hurt "them" anymore. I don't want to hurt them, nor do I hurt them intentionally. My family thinks I'm a joke. My friends, aren't friends. I don't know how to prove that I'm real, that I want and so desperately need change. I can't do this on my own, because I'm admitting that a person my age with my mentality cannot go through this without someones helpful hands pushing me along.

As for school, ill most likely go to westlake after spring break, and stay with my mother. Pray for the better. I know she needs support, but I can't support someone who's just a pile of nothing. Wich is a funny paradox. Her and I aren't so different, and I'm slowly realizing that. I need more time. I need time to go slower. I need time to never exist. I can dream.

My sister and I could not be more different, or alike. I feel like she's always out doing me somehow, as I am outdoing her in some other way. ill never understand how she gains no worry from those around her. Ill never understand why her eyes fill with such dispair yet still content at the same time. How she does what she does without any problems whatsoever. When will god allow me that? When will I allow myself that, because yes I know...its all up to me.

.....the show was alright. John speer was acting strange. I'd like to get to the very bottom of what's bothering him. Sometimes I think I'm in love with his words. His heart, and his ability to hold it all together. I admire so many of my friends for those same reasons. They give chances, and cut breaks. Unlike the rest of the world. But I guess if the rest of the world did that, then wed all be in a horrible slacking place.

Pray for some strength, and gods will to run it's course A.S.A.P!